throbber Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Stephen Hawking is an excellent dribbler though. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 I was going to type a joke I heard about statistics, but you've probably heard it. Whats big, grey, and can't climb trees? Spoiler A car park When scuba diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat? Spoiler If you fell forward you'd still be in the boat What do a rhino and a tomato have in common? Spoiler Neither can ride a bike 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Do people actually report jokes on this thread to get them removed? Now, that's funny 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Do people actually report jokes on this thread to get them removed? Now, that's funny [emoji38] Really? What joke was reported? [emoji38] 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 58 minutes ago, Sweaty Morph said: Really? What joke was reported? The one about Hitler raping the deaf nun with a horse's cock possibly. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 1 hour ago, Sweaty Morph said: Really? What joke was reported? The one about the Rhino and tomato I hope. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 The one about Hitler raping the deaf nun with a horse's cock possibly. And quite rightly tooThe spelling was atrocious 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 On 3/8/2017 at 15:46, deej said: What do a rhino and a tomato have in common? Reveal hidden contents Neither can ride a bike I just assumed it was the last letter. A bit like Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper having the same middle name. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 A woman had been taking golf lessons when just as she began her first solo game she was stung by a bee. The pain was so intense that she couldn't continue and decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention. Her golf coach saw her entering the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she answered. "Where?," he asked. "Between the first and second holes," she replied. He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aa75 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Used to run a donkey sanctuary, but had to give it up as it made me hee haw. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richie95 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Two young boys decide that they are old enough to begin using swear words, so they hatch a plan..."Today at breakfast, I'm going to use the words 'hell' and 'damn', and I want you to use the word 'ass' ". Then they procede down to the breakfast table.Their mother asks, "What do you boys want for breakfast?"The first boy quickly replies, "Aw hell, just give me some damn Cheerios!"Their mother immediately slaps him, scolds him, and sends him up to his room. She then glares at the other boy and asks him what he wants.After a moment he replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your fat ass it's not going to be Cheerios!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 When the P&B website was down a couple of days ago, I filled in time by chatting to the wife. Turns out she doesn't work in Woolworth's any more... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Spoiler I'll tell you tomorrow 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 A woman was walking her dog along the beach (don't worry, she was clearing up after it) when she spotted a strangely-shaped bottle that had been washed up by the tide. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. There was a sudden puff of green smoke and a genie appeared. "Free at last!" he cried triumphantly, then looked at the woman. "For releasing me, I shall grant you one wish!" The woman said, "Well, it's always been my dream for my dog to win Best in Show at Cruft's!" The genie looked at the dog. It was a hideous-looking thing, with only one eye and great patches of fur missing. It clearly wasn't the most intelligent of creatures either. The genie said, "Alas, I fear this may be beyond even my powers. To make this dog win Cruft's would drain so much of my magical energy that I would be left powerless and vulnerable to my enemies while it restored itself. I beseech you, choose something else!" The woman thought for a moment. "Well, my husband is a Celtic supporter. Can you remove that smug expression from his face?" The genie said, "Lemme see the dog again..." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?” 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 41 minutes ago, Cerberus said: A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?” βοώ βοώ 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8MileBU Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Desperate for her hole and her husbands affections, a woman decides to try tempt her husband by cooking him his favourite dinner and wearing a short skirt without any knickers. After dinner he sat down in his chair to read the paper and she sat on the couch opposite him, with her legs apart. After a few moments, the husband looked up from the paper a little excited and spluttered "You're not wearing any knickers are you?!" "Noooo" purred the woman seductively. "Thank f**k for that..." said the husband. "I thought the couch had burst!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Woman goes to her doctor to say that her husband has lost his appetite for sex. The doctor says, "Well, I really need to examine him, I can't diagnose anything without him being here." The woman says, "Oh, but doctor, there's no way I'll ever get him to come and see you - he refuses to accept that he has a problem!" The doctor says, "Well, it's unethical but there are some new tablets that are being trialled. If it got back to the Medical Council that I had issued these to you without your husband's knowledge I'd be struck off. So keep quiet about this!" And he gives her a small bottle of pills. "Come back in a week and tell me how things went." A week later the woman comes back. The doctor asks her, "Are you happy with the results?" "Well, yes and no," she says. "I knew he would refuse to take any tablets because he doesn't think he has a problem, so when he wasn't looking I popped one into his coffee. He drank it then got a funny look on his face, then he grabbed me by the wrist, pushed me face down onto the table, ripped off my knickers and did me doggy-style." "Sounds like they had the desired effect," says the doctor. "But you say you're not entirely happy?" "Well, no," says the woman. "We're now barred from every Starbucks in the world." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted April 23, 2017 Share Posted April 23, 2017 An Irish family are sat in their sitting room in front of the telly and the husband says to the wife "Margaret close your legs, the K-I-D-S can see your c**t" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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