Cardinal Richelieu Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 43 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: What did Pierre-Jules-César Janssen say when he discovered Helium? He He! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 I have a very good knock knock joke but I'm not sure it translates well to text. Someone else will need to start it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Knock knock 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Knock knock Who's there?[emoji6] 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Hull City who? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DI Bruce Robertson Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Hull City who? Yellow 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 55 minutes ago, deej said: Who's there? Definitely works better in the pub and you can watch the facial expression change from "OK" to "Wheres this going" to "You just made me look like a right cunt". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alta-pete Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I chatted up a blind bird last night - no surprise in the fact that she'd have to be blind for me to pull her, but anyhoo - I took her upstairs to bed and she said I had the biggest cock she'd ever got her hands on. I said 'you're pulling my leg!' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 The Mrs told me to stop singing wonderwall all day every day. I said maybe... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 My mate was working in a trendy bar. A dumb blonde came in asked for a double entendre so he gave her one! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 36 minutes ago, Wilkinson1998 said: The Mrs told me to stop singing wonderwall all day every day. I said maybe... Took me a while to see it.... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner."Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede."Really?" says the man "How much?"The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50.Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Alright mate, fancy going for a pint"The centipede says nothing and turns back into his matchbox.Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.An hour later he opens the match box and says "Alright mate, fancy going for a pint?" The centipede again says nothing.Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Alright mate, fancy going to the pub for a pint" The centipede says "I heard you the first fucking time! I'm putting my shoes on!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 A radio station in Scotland are taking calls to discuss words that are commonly used but not in the dictionary. Their first call goes like this Radio Presenter: "hello sir, what word do you have for us today?"Caller: "Goan"RP: "Goan, I don't understand. Could you use it in a sentence please?"C: "Aye mate, goan f**k yersel"The Caller then goes into a fit of laughter before being cut off. An hour later another Caller gets through to the station.Radio Presenter: "Hello sir, do you have a word for us today?"Caller: "I do, yes"RP: "What word do you have for us then?"C: "Smee."RP: "Smee? I've never heard that one could you use it in a sentence please?"C: "S'mee again, goan f**k yersel!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 And here was me thinking getting a vasectomy would prevent my girlfriend from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Jesus said to peter, "come forth, and recieve eternal life", he came fifth, and won a toaster. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Went to the Doctors today, he told me I was colourblind...that came completely out of the purple... Thank you x 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dogmc Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Copyright lawyers from viz incoming...... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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