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Black Friday - The real one

DA Baracus

By DA Baracus
in The General Nonsense Forum

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Alert Mongoose

Alert Mongoose

Posted
Posted

I'll be the raging weegie behind a bar in Dundee if anyone from Angus out on the piss fancies cheering me up.

And no, saying 'Smile, it's Christmas' does not work.

Stop fannying around on your phone. I'm waving this £10 around in an increasingly agitated state.

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Boghead ranter

Boghead ranter

Posted
Posted

"I've been waiting at this bar for 10 minutes and you haven't served me"

"Aye, well I've been waiting for 15 and they haven't served me yet either"

"All of you f**k off and we'll continue to serve the regulars and the folk who don't wave money in our faces like utter arseholes like we have been doing so far and everyone will be happy"

I think that's how I remember Black Friday going, most years.

And when they DO get served, it goes like this

"A vodka please"

*reads list*

"with cola in it".

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A vodka. With lemonade"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"2 White wines"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"Another vodka with cola"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A lager"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A rose wine"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"2 more lagers"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A gin & tonic"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"oh, and a Guinness"

f**k off, just hand the bar dude the list and let them get your order ya fandan.

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stumigoo

stumigoo

Posted
Posted

The teachers in Dundee come off next Wednesday but as has been alluded to on this thread we (not me, honest) are fucking brutal when it comes to these big days/nights out. Mainly because for loads of teachers (again not me, honest) it is basically the once or twice a year they are allowed out and they have no idea how to behave themselves or actually socialise so they end up getting fucked and just talking about their work for 8 hours to other teachers from other schools.

I'm not going out at all at the end of term next week for those reasons plus the fact that I would rather just go up the road than wait an hour to get served amidst a brutally dull night out for everyone involved.

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Mark Connolly

Mark Connolly

Posted
Posted

And when they DO get served, it goes like this

"A vodka please"

*reads list*

"with cola in it".

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A vodka. With lemonade"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"2 White wines"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"Another vodka with cola"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A lager"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A rose wine"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"2 more lagers"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"A gin & tonic"

*Waits till barperson comes back*

*reads list*

"oh, and a Guinness"

f**k off, just hand the bar dude the list and let them get your order ya fandan.

Then when they are provided with all these drinks, they are surprised at the requirement for payment.

And need a tray after you have served 2 other people.

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Granny Danger

Granny Danger

Posted
Posted

Is there an official point in the night where the office munter transforms into a solid 9/10? Seems to sneak up on you.

^^^^ Hopeful office munter.

The teachers in Dundee come off next Wednesday but as has been alluded to on this thread we (not me, honest) are fucking brutal when it comes to these big days/nights out. Mainly because for loads of teachers (again not me, honest) it is basically the once or twice a year they are allowed out and they have no idea how to behave themselves or actually socialise so they end up getting fucked and just talking about their work for 8 hours to other teachers from other schools.

I'm not going out at all at the end of term next week for those reasons plus the fact that I would rather just go up the road than wait an hour to get served amidst a brutally dull night out for everyone involved.

I know a couple of teachers. The idea that our kids' education is in their hands is frightening. I don't think they could be any worse drunk.

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Mr Bairn

Mr Bairn

Posted
Posted

^^^^ Hopeful office munter.

I know a couple of teachers. The idea that our kids' education is in their hands is frightening. I don't think they could be any worse drunk.

I like to think they arent drunk when they're actually teaching

Nothing worse for teachers than when Christmas falls on a Friday btw. Instead of finishing today they need to go back on Monday-Wednesday

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Cardinal Richelieu

Cardinal Richelieu

Posted
Posted

DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

  • The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice? Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!

  • DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm

  • You’re NOT a drinker. We haven't seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just rock up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads!” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.

  • YOU ARE IN A ROUND

  • I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a Round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works. You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guiness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop. Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same f***ing drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guiness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.

  • KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

  • Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there’s 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-w**** because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whiskey you memorized from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that s***ty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City

  • HOT GIRLS GET SERVED FIRST

  • Welcome to Western Civilization.

  • iPHONE ETTIQUETTE

  • Okay, the music isn’t great. It’s nothing to write home about. But it’s been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It’s background music. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you’ve decided to“do the pub a favour” by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a t***. A prize, prize t***. Other expletives come to mind. Likewise don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs you paid for.
  • ATTRACTING ATTENTION

  • Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next. Do you know why? Because there are no "Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar." The Bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not p*** them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club). You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian Cafe p**** or whistle like a Shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue.

  • PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

  • If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the f*** up. That’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob’s custom pays the bills. Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the f*** up.

  • TIME IS TIME (sometimes)

  • Pubs don’t stop serving because they hate you (that’s a lie, sometimes they do) or because it’s funny or because they get bored of selling beer. It’s a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer. You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot reason or argue them into selling more, because it’s a legal f***ing requirement. “Who’s gonna know? There’s nobody around, I won’t tell anyone.” THAT’S HOW THE HOLOCAUST STARTED!

  • See you in twelve months, you f***ing p****s.

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