Eednud Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Saw a job ad the other day from a grain company for an Admin Assistant where you had to contact the National Talent Acquisition Manager. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scary Bear Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Bumpity fucking bump. So the work is currently undertaking a "business transformation" with all its associated fuckwittery. Such is said fuckwittery that they have issued a glossary to help us "service users" understand transformative approaches which will be cascaded down. Here is a short quiz, can you guess what single word the definition describes:1. The completed set of project outputs required to deliver an outcome; this exists prior to transition. It is a service, function or operation that enables the organisation to exploit opportunities. 2. Any resource or process whose capacity is less than or equal to the demand placed on it, thus constraining the flow of work or information through the process. 3. A tangible or intangible component of a project’s output. Synonymous with deliverable. 4. The production of project deliverables in circumstances where time and resources, including funding, are fixed and the requirements are prioritised and vary depending on what can be achieved within this. 5. The quantifiable and measurable improvement following from the completion of deliverables and resultant business change that is perceived as positive by a stakeholder. It will normally have a tangible value that will justify the investment. Imagine working for a company that actually makes this fucking shit up. And imagine how much your work is paying somebody to make this shit up on their behalf. 1. ?2. Bottleneck or Blockage3. ?4. ?5. Something to do with KPIs? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Does No2 have something to do with toilet breaks? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Man Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 If I had to start working in an office environment tomorrow, I reckon I'd be in the jail before the end of the year. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 If I had to start working in an office environment tomorrow, I reckon I'd be in the jail before the end of the year. Fraud? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Man Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 1 minute ago, Swarley said: Fraud? Stapler theft. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsr Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Anyone else ever have to sit through ITIL training? I did when I worked in IT for the filth. Biggest load of arse you can imagine. To quote my senior colleague at the time "a perfect guidebook in how not to do IT". After we finished the training they dedicated a team to implementing the necessary changes, then decided it was too much work (or more likely money) and scrapped the whole thing. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEADOWXI Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 2 hours ago, Dee Man said: Stapler theft. Trust me the scrap value of staples is absolute rock bottom these days. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Anyone else ever have to sit through ITIL training? I did when I worked in IT for the filth. Biggest load of arse you can imagine. To quote my senior colleague at the time "a perfect guidebook in how not to do IT". After we finished the training they dedicated a team to implementing the necessary changes, then decided it was too much work (or more likely money) and scrapped the whole thing. Agile is the new ITIL 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsr Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Just now, Swarley said: Agile is the new ITIL Enthusiasts for Agile (known among my peers as "scrumdamentalists") never seem to spot the glaring flaw in the whole methodology: it could only ever work if the client bought into it and played their part. Which they never do. They see it as "cool, we can change our minds whenever we like without having to extend the release date or pay any more money". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 4 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: f**k all to do with wires that's for sure. (education) Does it mean teaching people without them realising they're being taught? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 3 minutes ago, welshbairn said: Does it mean teaching people without them realising they're being taught? It's to do with deploying Claymore mines. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 14 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: I really don't know what's going on anymore. Has someone hidden your wires? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 3 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: I WANT TO SEE THE WIRES. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthernJambo Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 At this point folk are just saying random stuff that doesnt really make sense. Going to phone my mate for a STI check about going to the pub.Seething. So you're touching base to arrange a catch up to see how the land lies? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 2 hours ago, Bairnardo said: I used to work with a c**t who said "lets have a scrumdown" I think he liked you. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shotgun Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Has "Talk them off the ledge" made it's way over to you yet? It means "The customer is seriously pissed off and I'm hoping you can fix it". Or more commonly "I fucked up but I'd rather the customer shouted at you about it." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Someone at work talking about being "able to eat our own dog food"?! (in reference to offers available to customers should also be available to staff) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonglum25 Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 A few years ago I listened to a female telling my gaffer about their new role. Every buzzword and phrase in existnce was used in a 20 minute blurp of utter drivel. When she finished I told her that she could certainly speak w**k now would she like to try it in English. Not a happy bunny and gaffer tried hard to stifle his laughter. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scary Bear Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 2 is Bottleneck. What were the answers to 1, 3, 4 and 5? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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