Rod Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I dropped a post-Stagg chili and scrumpy one in a (the?) pub in Wells earlier this year. We were playing on the quiz machine and it happened. The smell was so bad we left the machine with about £1.50 in it and the pub itself. As we walked by the window beside the machine, we saw the chaps who had gone on the quiz machine after us looking utterly, utterly disgusted and we could lip-read one of them clearly saying "f**k sake" slowly and with a great deal of anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotfree Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I'm laughing at every one of these story's. Cannae beat a good farting story. Aye that's true. Mrs Scotfree has a face that's always tripping her. You could have the funniest guy in the world telling her jokes and you would get no even a smirk off her. But me farting in the supermarket will make her laugh so hard that she lets one go as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamamafegan Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 My dad once threw me out the car for farting while we were driving on Jura. I was in tears of laughter but he was absolutely livid. He drove up the road a hundred metres or so before I was allowed back in. Bit pointless really. Farting in public is great fun when you're with mates who get embarrassed about it. Walking through Tesco just squeezing them out and dashing away, leaving your mates to receive the dirty looks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosser-fae-the-shire Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Was in hospital for a colonoscopy. They fill you with air to make it less painful. Afterwards I walked out the main entrance. There were loads of ill folk smoking. I tried to let out a wee silent one but it was like a clap of thunder. The smokers all looked appalled and one guy called me a "clatty c**t". I wanted to explain but just mumbled "f**k off" and walked away in shame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alert Mongoose Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Not personally but I remember I went down to Birmingham for with a few mates for a night out. Everything was going well on the Friday night until someone decided to instigate a 'garden run' on the way home from the pub. I'm reasonably competitive so with things neck and neck near the finishing line I tried to jump a fence rather than follow my mate who was skilfully climbing over it - cue going arse over tit and fracturing my lower leg. Due to severe drunkenness it wasn't realised how serious the injury was until the morning when I had to go to A&E. Anyway lying on the bed in a smallish room my mates decided to offload the beer/cider/kebab fumes from the night before while skilfully making their exit from the room just before the hot nurse made an entrance. I was fucking raging as she interspersed her nurse duties with disgusted looks at me - never forgave them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DEEJANGO Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I'm laughing at every one of these story's.Cannae beat a good farting story. Same. Top thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I've never found it possible to contain my laughter when in a public toilet, breeks down in one of the cubicles, when someone breaks the silence with a timely pump. No eye contact can be made until at least 200 metres from the place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Ginger Prince Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Dropped a silent one in Argos earlier. Tutted at the missus & walked away shaking my head at her. Cue massive seethe from her & tears of laughter from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arbroathlegend36-0 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 A few years back I had an operation for a cyst on my arse cheek and I had to be seen by district nurses for about a month. Almost everytime they came I would pray that I wouldn't need a fart while they were cleaning my wound. Unfortunately the day arrived when I needed one while a nurse was there cleaning my wound. She told me to relax my arse cheeks as she was finding it hard to clean the area but I couldn't as I was in desperate need to fart and I was hoping it would go away but instead my belly just started to rumble very loudly and then 'BOOM' I acidently farted right at her face. I very quickly apologised at her and I went a beetroot colour but by that time she was in no way in a good mood with me as she began shouting at me telling me I'm a disgrace and that she would complain to her manager about my lack of respect. Let's just say I've never seen her since that day and I hope to hell I don't as I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enigma Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I remember there was a period when I was around 13 where it was all the rage, when you needed a fart, to sit on the floor, legs akimbo, and let rip. I think the theory was that contact with the floor would help reverberate the fart around the room more My best one came when I was sitting in a similar position by coincidence. I was about 14 or 15 and myself, my dad and a mate had travelled down to a Sunderland game. I had found a taste for their chicken balti pies and maybe had 2 or 3 of them at the game, I thought they were magic. Maybe there were a bit iffy but they led to a gassy build up which I suppressed during the drive back up. Later on, it was just myself and my mate in the living room, I think my dad had gone up and MOTD was on I started dropping a couple of small evil ones, nothing too extreme but they certainly had a strange aroma. Anyway I was sitting on the floor by the window, knees up if you know what I mean. I sort of felt it coming but I didn't quite realise quite how monumental a trump this was going to be. I was like a trumpet, nay a fog horn and sounded for a steady loud burst, it vibrated like a heavy bass being played on a subwoofer. I swear the windows shook. I smelt something terrible too and like the balti pie. I'm just glad there was a witness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundeefc1783 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 A few years back I had an operation for a cyst on my arse cheek and I had to be seen by district nurses for about a month. Almost everytime they came I would pray that I wouldn't need a fart while they were cleaning my wound. Unfortunately the day arrived when I needed one while a nurse was there cleaning my wound. She told me to relax my arse cheeks as she was finding it hard to clean the area but I couldn't as I was in desperate need to fart and I was hoping it would go away but instead my belly just started to rumble very loudly and then 'BOOM' I acidently farted right at her face. I very quickly apologised at her and I went a beetroot colour but by that time she was in no way in a good mood with me as she began shouting at me telling me I'm a disgrace and that she would complain to her manager about my lack of respect. Let's just say I've never seen her since that day and I hope to hell I don't as I've never been so embarrassed in my life. It took me a good while to read that due chuckling like a wee boy throughout Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonsrock Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I've had a taxi driver spray an air freshener at me through the grill. Proud of myself? Damn right!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ad Lib Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I dropped a proper loud smelly one in the middle of the arndale shopping centre in Manchester. the fart was so violent I had to go to the toilet and check I didn't shit myself. The moment when you check and realise it's all fart nae shite is possibly the most satisfying part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I was working backstage on a show at the Old Vic in London. Can't remember what the play was called, but there was a romantic moment in a garden when two lovers first meet. He says "Lavinda", and pauses for a mo. (loudest fart I've ever managed reverberates around the theatre.) "What a lovely name!" (entire stalls audience and cast crack up). I got a mention in the directors notes, not a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 One I forgot. This year in Dubrovnik I went in to a Catholic cathedral and let one go. Just so I could say I farted in the chapel. When doing it outside, I'm never lucky enough to leave it behind to linger. It always seems to follow me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 If you want to hear loud trumping, work a night shift in a hospital ward, preferably care of the elderly or gastro. Some nights it's like planes taking off. How they don't wake themselves up is beyond me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Has anyone lit them? I've seen it done but always been to scared to try it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 My mate is 6ft 5 and built for rugby with a healthy appetite as you'd imagine for a big fella. At a party years ago he lit a long ripping fart which lit up the room brightly for around 5 seconds. Literally did smell of burnt shit though and it lingered! Was this Methil? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Was this Methil? No - methane! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz FFC Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 Farted a good few times at the O2 academy in Glasgow earlier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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