Farting in public places

[Shawfield Stallion]

I remember there was a period when I was around 13 where it was all the rage, when you needed a fart, to sit on the floor, legs akimbo, and let rip. I think the theory was that contact with the floor would help reverberate the fart around the room more

Anyway, I felt an absolute belter brewing one night before football training and assumed the position. The rip-roarer was one of my finest efforts, but unfortunately I got carried away and followed through with a toalie in my shorts that would've made Paula Radcliffe beam with pride

Probably fits better in the shitting stories thread tbh

[EdgarusQPFC]

This is already gold in my eyes, brilliant stuff lads. Bloody in tears at hillonearths top 3

[DAFC]

Had a prawn paella and let a silent one go at work during a meeting. It was so rank the meeting had to stop early and someone else got the blame.

[DAFC]

From reading the farting in a cubicle post I have to admit to usually laughing out loud at strangers farting loudly in the bogs.

Sometimes other people start laughing too.

[tamthebam]

you vile disgusting b*****ds....

I thought I'd stumbled into an episode of "On the toilet with Frank Hovis"

bloody funny though!

the difference between a gentleman and a cad- a gentleman leaves the room and farts, a cad farts and leaves the room...

[Half Rice Half Chips]

I've had a couple of these moments, but the one I cherish the most transpired in Aberdeen airport.

It had been a long, painful day and I was overjoyed to be back in Sunny Scotland. Work had really stepped up the pace, but I'd thankfully managed to scrape through it all and make my flight I was desperately looking forward to heading home to Dundee for a Steak Pie and a couple of pints with my pals. I was shuffling along, minding my own business when I realised I needed the bathroom. I thought, 'I should probably go to the toilet before the long, arduous journey down the A96'; so I immediately looked for the wee stickman icon and followed the terminal's way-finding system towards the closest shichter.

The next thing I remember was like a scene from Apocalypse Now. It's all a bit of a haze, but I must have been intending to do a shit (if i remember correctly, while reading some banal report about Sevco on my iPhone 4S), as I'd settled into one of the cubicles. Then, before I could even raise a chuckle at the misfortune of Ally McCoist, an unsettling groan radiated from the cubical next to me. 'Shit', I thought, 'maybe this stranger is seriously ill, having a heart attack or at the very least is a semi-conscious, functioning Rangers fan reading the same embarrassing dross as me?'. The reality was worse, as the only thing functioning was his arsehole and several thousand cubic metres of methane, air and shame.

Before I had time to react, my new-found co-pilot on the Toley Express started proceedings. I can only describe the continuous stream of noise that followed as a guttural, bone-shaking 'BPVVVVVVVVVVVVV-ARGHHH' effort. This happened over and over and over and over for about two or three minutes, seemingly without break. Two/three minutes doesn't sound long, but I promise you it is. I couldn't even move, such was the shock. With hindsight, I'd say the noise was actually comparable to dragging a large leg of meat over an iron railing, while simultaneously tearing up a copy of the Financial Times.

Anyway, after this worryingly explosion of activity, I heard the pan flush and a belt being buckled. The door was opening. 'Hold on a fucking moment', I thought 'I've just sat through all this and I'm not even going to see who the culprit is' ... so I finished up myself (I was so traumatised by the pyrotechnics next-door that I only managed to produce a shite that probably didn't even merit a wipe). I opened the door to see who it was, to be faced with...

... what looked like a boy approximately 12 years of age.

The c**t didn't even look fucking bothered he just finished washing his hands and walked out the door. The only conclusion I've been able to draw from this is that I took a shit next to the b*****d lovechild of Thor and Fat Pat Butcher fae Eastenders.*

* I name him 'Thatcher'

ETA: Forgot to mention, it sounded like 100% pure farts coming from the poor c**t, therefore not a 'shitting story'.

I think you should paint that story

[Tight minge]

Many a fart in public places, with the usual distance/emabarrasement etc.

However, many years ago the family were all donw in South Shields for one of a silver wedding event. My brother and I and our respective girlfirends ( would become wives, mine would become ex-wife) drove down in an old Peugeot 205 with the rest of the family in another car.

Well the night was a blinder and much drink was consumed, of course being that neck of the woods it was Newcastle Exhibiton (which is more or less NBA on draught).

The morning after was surprisingly not too bad, the head was a little sore, but a solid fried breakfast took care of things, or so we thought.

About 20 minutes into the drive home, me driving, my brother in the passanger seat and the girlfriends in the back, I had a little tweak in the stomach and raised my cheek to let the offender out. 1) it was loud 2) it stank of rotten eggs and fry up. I laughed, the ladies tutted in disgust, my broter immeditaely let rip, with the same ghastly smell and sound. The flow of farts for the next 30 minutes was quite unbelievable in this tiny confined space. We wree beliting along the road in this tiny car, both windows down, tears streaming down the face of my brother and I with laughter and tears streaming down the ladies faces in anger/frustration and quote possibly genuine fear for their lives!

Oh the joys of youth.

[Darren]

I cleared a pub with one of my farts once. Alright, it was Bar Salsa in the Grassmarket in Edinburgh and there were only about 10 people in, but I was still impressed.

[stumigoo]

You can always do one on an escalator, safe in the knowledge that it may linger enough for everyone to go up through the cloud of pump as they too travel up the escalator.

[Dubskelper]

I've trained myself to drop silent ones when required

Ninja, imo.

[ayrunitedfw]

Farting in public is a sign on beauty and should be met with a round of applause.

I've got two main incidents which stand out;

The first one was back in September. My first day and my line manager who is female was sitting showing me stuff on the computer. I could feel the tension building town below and was trying with all my might to hold it in but it wasn't to be, I let out possibly the loudest fart I've ever done and my boss just looked at me with disguist and returned to her desk rather quickly. Surprised I wasn't sacked on the spot tbh

Second incident was back at primary school. I attended a Catholic primary school and we always did morning prayers. Every day I would stand and fart my way through them so much so other pupils complained it was distracting them and my teacher told my mum at parents night it was disrespectful and showing off, it genuinely wasn't. My mum just laughed

[scotfree]

My mate was on the way to work in the works van, when he let one go. It was that bad that one of the guys in the van, boaked that bad his false teeth fell out and broke on the floor.

[throbber]

I let out a ripper in home base last saturday - was one of those wet ones that lasted longer than i thought it would, my mrs was horrified and we left soon after

[Hillonearth]

This is already gold in my eyes, brilliant stuff lads. Bloody in tears at hillonearths top 3

Funnily enough, so was my missus at #3!

[11thHour]

I cant ever remember doing it over here but I let rip wildly in some porno dvd shop in Hamburg. The weekend of kebab and beer was really catching up with me and the farts were getting longer and smellier until I had to sprint across the road (to a kebab shop incidentally) and have a rotten shit. My brother said as soon as I had left the shop the guy behind the counter walked about the store spraying air freshener

[11thHour]

Doesn't count as a public place but my farts were that bad one night in bed the missus got up and went to the toilet to be sick. Quite proud of that.

[Confidemus]

None of mine are pretty memorable, just the usual farting in a lift, trying to sneak out a silent one unsuccesfully etc.

However, a few years back I was washing the car outside the in laws house when I saw an elderly chap who must have been knocking on the door of his 90th birthday. As he shuffled along the path towards me, I could hear a strange faint noise getting louder and louder.

It was only as he walked past that I realised that control of his bowels had long since left him. He literally let rip an impressive fart with every single step he took. I remember watching him slowly walk away, still guffing with every footfall, with amazement, humour and an increased respect for the elderly.

[eddiemunster]

On a hungover drive back down from fort William my brother yellow carded me for a particularly hot eggy fart.

I could see he was serious in his threat to eject me from the car should I let another one go and so I held in until my bowels felt fit to burst.

I pulled one arse cheek across the car seat to try and ensure a silent yawning number, instead of a machine gun rasper and successfully released the guff in complete silence.

It burnt my arse on the way out, so I knew it was going to be absolutely honking and this coupled with the element of danger had me fighting a serious fit of the giggles. Eyes watering and shoulders shaking like when you got a row at school in front of your pals I didn't have to wait long for the reaction.

"I FUCKING TELT YOU!! I FUCKING TELT YOU!! YOU'RE OUT, GET FUCKING OUT!!"

He pulled the motor over just outside Tarbet on Loch Lommond side, cracked my jaw an absolute beauty and physically threw me out the car with a final "THINK YOU'RE FUCKING FUNNY!?"

Despite nursing a very sore face I was still laughing uncontrollably as his car sped off into the distance. The laughter died quickly though as I realised I hadn't enough money to get back to Motherwell and had to employ ninja skills to bump the train home.

It was still worth it.

[DEEJANGO]

Best place I farted was at my wife's gran's funeral.

It was about half way through the ceremony in the chapel and one of the relations was doing a reading of some sort, it had been sitting grumbling away for a while. I was thinking to myself ' hurry up mate and finish so we can sing a hymn and I can let this rip '. He just finished and Braaaaaaaaaap game over, the wooden bench and the acoustics did this fart proper justice. Everyone must have heard.

The service carried on as normal and I don't usually do the kneeling and stuff at prayers but had to this time to hide as I had hit the giggles good and proper, snotters and tears everywhere.

After the prayer there was a hymn, Thank f**k, so I made my way outside as my wife was elbowing me and drawing me hefty daggers.

I got outside and tried to compose myself but it wasn't happening, tears streaming down my face. I lit up a cig and the door opened when a chapel worker came outside trying to console me because he thought I was upset. I told him I was fine I just needed a wee minute.

[Andy_K_97]

Not one from me, but one incident from 2007 sticks out in my mind.

It was during my standard grade English exam. Things were going fine, I'd finished with a couple of minutes to spare and checked everything was ok so I just looked forward at the clock on the assembly hall wall.

As this was happening, my pal Jai had the head invigilator walk in front of his desk, just over to my left at about ten o'clock. The head invigilator was an old boy who looked like he was on his way out and was bent double. Either way, he had beady eyes like a hawk and had already chucked someone out for copping a look at someone else's paper.

The old boy suddenly drops his pen in front of Jai's desk. Out of boredom, I've already noticed this.

The old boy bends down, very slowly, to retrieve his pen. He looks like he might keel over at any given moment still. At the point where he's grasped his pen, he lets out a massive fart.

This fart may be the loudest I've ever heard. Maybe it was because of the silence in the exam conditions, but this was a fucking topper of a loud fart. Maybe even on a par with an Apollo rocket getting launched. The whole room suddenly starts to laugh. They too have noticed that the old boy's done a topper of a fart.

And the worst thing was, it was absolutely bowfing. I don't know what he'd had for his lunch that day, but I'm glad the exam finished not long after this whole sorry episode.