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That's a hard situation and sorry to hear that.

I do think you're being quite hard on yourself though. They would have wanted you to live your life and would have been happy that you were doing so. I doubt they would have wanted you hanging around, or basing your life around, them becoming terminally ill. I imagine its hard not to, but you need to understand that you shouldn't feel any guilt over not being there until you were. They probably wouldn't have wanted you to make a fuss, and like I said, would have been happy that you were living your life. That you got to see them before the end would have been brilliant for them both and enough for them.

Old people having difficulties with cognisance is a sad fact of life at the moment. However you should remember him as you knew him, not how you describe in the last time you saw him. In a way the man you knew had already moved on anyway.

What you're describing in terms of how you feel is completely normal. You're still grieving and, despite how upsetting it is and how shit it makes you feel, it's a normal reaction. Everyone deals with grief in their own ways, so I can't say what you should do, but if you feel you're struggling with processing it (particularly the guilt aspect, which again is a normal reaction people go through), then it might be an idea to get some assistance with processing it, be that speaking to someone, writing things down or vocalising it out loud to yourself.

Regarding your family, is there any way of speaking to them and spending more time with them to try and get closer to them? I'm not really close with my family (get on really well and like my brothers but don't see them that often, but my parent I barely speak to/they barely speak to me). Is there anyone else you can talk to that you know?

Also when you feel shite try and take steps to look after yourself more. It's not a good idea to drink as that won't help.

As with everyone on this thread you can PM me if you want

Edited by DA Baracus
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I'm in a bit of a state; my grandparents (whom I lived with since I was 10 until 21), died back in August last year, within 9 days of each other, and now nearly being a year later it's beginning to hit hard. 
I was so far away from them when they were poorly, I was with my partner at the time over 100 miles away and I never saw either of them up until that point until shortly before they both died, and it's something I've regretted so, so heavily. They raised me essentially; with my grandad he was barely cogent when I saw him before he died, I always feel like he confused me for my dad when I last saw him, and I can't shake that feeling and it tears me apart inside. My grandad was the only father figure I had in my life and I feel like I missed the last year of our time together through something ridiculous which I regret heavily. My Gran died 9 days after my Papa died, which I'm happy about in a way; they didn't want to spend any time apart, and it turned out that's the way they would end their lives and there's nothing I'm more happy about, but the last time I saw my Gran was at my grandfather's wake; it's just so surreal that it's hitting me now. 
I'm not close to anyone else in my family really, I just feel so utterly isolated. I've been fine for the past few years in regards to my mental health but I feel so fucking devastated at the moment. 


Chief you're grieving, and those feelings can't be rushed.

I might be entirely wrong here but it could be that your papa saw you more like a son.

Like you say, they'd be glad that neither outlived the other by much. I reckon a lot of couples would want it that way.

I'm sure they were proud of how you turned out.
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On 2017-6-12 at 23:59, DA Baracus said:

I just try not to think about it.

Good choice. It's all nonsense, there are no rules about where you should be at certain age. You shouldn't invent them, and ignore anyone who says differently. Unless you're very lucky you won't wake up one morning discovering what you really want, and can do with your life. Meandering along with no great expectations has done me fine, but I have walked away from situations that have seemed intolerable a few times. A radical change can sometimes be the only way to get out of a rut, be it financial, job or relationship related. Maybe it's time for an adventure, and f**k the consequences. They're rarely as bad as you'd think.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Starting to really struggle with my anxiety. I seem to be pretty much fine for 2-3 weeks then i'll just take a mini panic attack and I'm back to square one. Yesterday I was driving home on the motorway and I felt an intense panic wash over me and I really thought I was going to lose control of the car. Seems to happen a lot when I'm driving but only on the motorway, never when I'm just driving about. Never been in or been close to being in a car crash in my life so its incredibly frustrating and worrying.

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Starting to really struggle with my anxiety. I seem to be pretty much fine for 2-3 weeks then i'll just take a mini panic attack and I'm back to square one. Yesterday I was driving home on the motorway and I felt an intense panic wash over me and I really thought I was going to lose control of the car. Seems to happen a lot when I'm driving but only on the motorway, never when I'm just driving about. Never been in or been close to being in a car crash in my life so its incredibly frustrating and worrying.


Happens to me as well and primarily on the motorway. I've never actually worked out why the motorway makes it worse - could be the speed, amount of traffic or just the fact that there isn't as much visual interaction as country roads. It's terrifying stuff though - trying to control your breathing is supposed to help but never found that 100% effective.
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Are you nervous about driving on motorways? If not, take it easy on the inside lane just in case.


Not especially. It becomes slightly circuitous and self fulfilling - not nervous about driving on the motorway but nervous about having a panic attack.
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Not especially. It becomes slightly circuitous and self fulfilling - not nervous about driving on the motorway but nervous about having a panic attack.


If possible may try drive with someone when possible, to distract your mind as much as possible? Appreciate that's difficult to arrange most of the time though.
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If possible may try drive with someone when possible, to distract your mind as much as possible? Appreciate that's difficult to arrange most of the time though.


The wife is there most of the time (maybe you've hit on the problem...) but when in the midst of panic attack it's hard to concentrate on anything else.
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2 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

 


Not especially. It becomes slightly circuitous and self fulfilling - not nervous about driving on the motorway but nervous about having a panic attack.

 

I had a weird one the other day on holiday, walking round the docks in St Hellier on a narrow pavement with busy traffic. Had a feeling like vertigo, sweating and heart pumping. Found some steps leading away and it got worse as I went up. I wasn't till I found a small park and sat down on the grass well away from the roads that it went away. Most of my working life has involved working up ladders and steel structures, and I've never experienced anything like it before or since. Not pleasant.

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6 hours ago, Alert Mongoose said:

 


Not especially. It becomes slightly circuitous and self fulfilling - not nervous about driving on the motorway but nervous about having a panic attack.

 

I think this is the problem. I'm over thinking about possibly have a panic attack because I'm on the motorway which makes me nervous and then I'm on edge. Oddly enough I find it less of a problem the bigger/better car I might be driving but I absolutely hate driving the mrs' corsa at any decent speed on the motorway.  Maybe that's part of the problem also - don't feel as safe in that car, worried about having a panic attack, the increased potential of my mind wandering etc. Etc. Just a real pain because I don't want my mrs having to do all the driving should we be going on a road trip, doesn't exactly make me feel like the man of the house :lol:

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I think this is the problem. I'm over thinking about possibly have a panic attack because I'm on the motorway which makes me nervous and then I'm on edge. Oddly enough I find it less of a problem the bigger/better car I might be driving but I absolutely hate driving the mrs' corsa at any decent speed on the motorway.  Maybe that's part of the problem also - don't feel as safe in that car, worried about having a panic attack, the increased potential of my mind wandering etc. Etc. Just a real pain because I don't want my mrs having to do all the driving should we be going on a road trip, doesn't exactly make me feel like the man of the house [emoji38]


I wish mine had a driving licence - don't have a choice!
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1 hour ago, 11thHour said:

I think this is the problem. I'm over thinking about possibly have a panic attack because I'm on the motorway which makes me nervous and then I'm on edge. Oddly enough I find it less of a problem the bigger/better car I might be driving but I absolutely hate driving the mrs' corsa at any decent speed on the motorway.  Maybe that's part of the problem also - don't feel as safe in that car, worried about having a panic attack, the increased potential of my mind wandering etc. Etc. Just a real pain because I don't want my mrs having to do all the driving should we be going on a road trip, doesn't exactly make me feel like the man of the house :lol:

Maybe get something on the sound system to take your mind off it, podcast, spoken book, music whatever. The problem about motorways is boredom and thinking what could go wrong.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am signed off work again due to depression and suicidal ideation. I don't think I'll be back at my work this time. It's become a horrible place to work which is a shame because I used to love my job. I think my mental state would improve if I was to change jobs and I've had an interview for another job and I was honest with them about my mental health and why I was leaving my current job because they asked me to be honest with them why I was leaving my current job and they were good about it.

I was doing really well for a number of months too. I stopped smoking four months ago and joined the gym and my fitness levels have shot through the roof and I have lost a lot of weight and was generally feeling a lot happier. When you're in a shite job in the only industry you have any experience in and you don't get treated like a human being it's a real downer though.

I'm feeling better today and have a GP appointment later on.

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One thing that helps me cope with toxic workplaces is knowing that you are right and that their normal is dysfunctional. The nastiness is that you are rising above the dysfunction and being different. People don't like being made to look lazy or incompetent.

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3 hours ago, Richey Edwards said:

I stopped smoking four months ago and joined the gym and my fitness levels have shot through the roof and I have lost a lot of weight and was generally feeling a lot happier.

I'd encourage you to keep going with this. Whatever problems I have (and they are relatively trivial compared to some of the issues being dealt with on this thread) I feel that my visits to the gym are as good for the head as they are for the body.

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Fucking hell. I'm not letting myself get depressed but what a year. I could be typing shite. But here i am with family ( dad and me ) with mum who has been diagnosed with manic depression. Just found out for many a year my mum has been living a double life. Jeremy Kyle would be proud of these stories.

Fucking hell. Bloody hell.

Christ, sounds a mess mate. Hopefully all involved can come to terms with whatever is going on. Nothing stranger than real life!
And, nobody lets themselves get depressed but it happens. Just need to try to find outlets and focus on good things - or that's my approach anyway.
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This was my first birthday since my dad died. And I have struggled a bit this week. Doc has upped my meds but little things like no signature in a card is really tough.

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25 minutes ago, capybara said:

This was my first birthday since my dad died. And I have struggled a bit this week. Doc has upped my meds but little things like no signature in a card is really tough.

Time is a healer. You can't escape the fact he's not coming back but you clearly have affection for him still so you can draw inspiration from him and appreciate the relationship you had. My dad appeared in a dream the other night and it must be about 19 years since he died. It still felt comforting having "met" him again, even though it was just a dream. 

I'm sure the last thing he'd want is for you to be too down about his passing and even though he's not around in person you can still have wee conversations in your head with him - thinking what he'd make of the football or in the news for example. On the flipside there can be a pressure lifted if a parent passes aways. Maybe there are things you wanted to do in life but didn't because of what your dad told you. You can become a bit of a rebel! 

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Time is a healer. You can't escape the fact he's not coming back but you clearly have affection for him still so you can draw inspiration from him and appreciate the relationship you had. My dad appeared in a dream the other night and it must be about 19 years since he died. It still felt comforting having "met" him again, even though it was just a dream. 
I'm sure the last thing he'd want is for you to be too down about his passing and even though he's not around in person you can still have wee conversations in your head with him - thinking what he'd make of the football or in the news for example. On the flipside there can be a pressure lifted if a parent passes aways. Maybe there are things you wanted to do in life but didn't because of what your dad told you. You can become a bit of a rebel! 

Cheers. Makes a lot sense. Things come in waves at the moment. Good days. Dark days. As my Doc said you have a year of firsts to deal with. But this week has been tough. I worked on Monday but I haven't felt safe to be out on the road delivering since. I am self employed so I need to shake a leg.
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