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8 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Due to a couple of triggers just spent a few days in a hospital for “serious clinical depression”.
Basically gave up even trying to look after myself for a few days, but I spotted the pattern/signs and got someone to drive me to the hospital so I could voluntarily admit myself for treatment.
Doing a lot better in the week since I was discharged thankfully.

It's great that you spotted the signs yourself. Shows good insight and self-awareness. As Ayrmad also mentioned earlier, I also don't really like using the "brave" word in relation to mental health, because it implies that you've done something that you should have been frightened to do, and no one should be frightened of voluntarily seeking treatment for mental illness. You've done the right thing and I hope you continue to feel better.

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16 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

I used to drink ALOT of coffee and energy drinks (upwards of five a day) because I felt that I could not function without them, and I used to have crippling anxiety, depression and the occasional irrational burst of anger. I stopped drinking the energy drinks about two or three years ago and only have a coffee in the morning or if I need a quick pick-me-up if I'm tired at work (no more than two coffees a day and seldom any after noon). 

But yeah, I think people underestimate how much things like caffeine dependency affect you. Coffee, tea, fizzy drinks, energy drinks etc are so ingrained into our daily routines that we almost think nothing of them. Reducing my caffeine intake definitely made me more "stable". As you say, withdrawal symptoms were an absolute b*****d.

Your namesake was drinking 30 cups of coffee a day (and smoking three packets of fags) in the months before he disappeared.

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6 minutes ago, ayrmad said:

ffs, I'll need to find a better word to describe my 20+ strong coffees a day, used to take 2 heaps, cut it down to 1 heap a long while a go but I'm finding myself using a desert spoon for 5 or 6 of my 20+( too lazy to wash teaspoons as I go), my body's so accustomed to caffeine that I can drink a strong cup then go straight to sleep.

When I used to work 12 hour shifts in a psychiatric unit it was a lot more than five-a-day because there was always coffee on the go. All the staff and patients were always drinking coffee. :lol:

How do you manage to drink 20+ coffees a day? Where do you put it all? You must need a pish every 5 minutes. 

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Just now, ICTChris said:

Your namesake was drinking 30 cups of coffee a day (and smoking three packets of fags) in the months before he disappeared.

I never quite reached that stage. I was smoking two packets of fags a day at some point though.

Stopping smoking helped improve my mental health too, though I was an irritable b*****d for a while afterwards. It's well over a year since I stopped, I stopped counting the weeks, months etc quite early on when I decided it was probably counterproductive.

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18 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

When I used to work 12 hour shifts in a psychiatric unit it was a lot more than five-a-day because there was always coffee on the go. All the staff and patients were always drinking coffee. :lol:

How do you manage to drink 20+ coffees a day? Where do you put it all? You must need a pish every 5 minutes. 

I will quite literally drink 5 or 6 coffees in the 1st hour or 2 of waking up, I am quite close to going all in with exercise, stopping smoking,lifestyle transformation etc, I managed to maybe half an hour without a fag or coffee when I got up this morning but it's been pretty constant since then.

I'll just wake up one of these days and no fags will be smoked and green tea will be my drink of choice, my head will be falling off for a day or 2 and I'll be in death by duvet mode for a day but that doesn't bother me, that's just a necessary downside I'll have to suck up.

I've never counted how many times I go to the toilet but it is very often.

PS. I don't suffer from depression, I'm not advocating anyone with depression or similar goes into death by duvet mode, it works for me when I'm stopping things but I would think that would be a very bad thing to do with conditions like depression.

Edited by ayrmad
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6 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

I never quite reached that stage. I was smoking two packets of fags a day at some point though.

Stopping smoking helped improve my mental health too, though I was an irritable b*****d for a while afterwards. It's well over a year since I stopped, I stopped counting the weeks, months etc quite early on when I decided it was probably counterproductive.

That's a very positive step to do in any circumstance like that, for one thing, if you're counting the days then it's still on your mind more than it should be, a wee bit similar to folk at GA avoiding routes with bookies etc on them, fine in the early days but it's still exerting a hold over you if you do it long term.

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Just now, ayrmad said:

That's a very positive step to do in any circumstance like that, for one thing, if you're counting the days then it's still on your mind more than it should be, a wee bit similar to folk at GA avoiding routes with bookies etc on them, fine in the early days but it's still exerting a hold over you if you do it long term.

I used to be what might be called a "problem drinker". I was never an "alcoholic", but was directed to AA meetings. I didn't stick around at AA because of similar things like avoiding places that serve alcohol, not associated with friends who drink etc, counting the amount of time you've stopped drinking for, the denial of personal responsibility, the demonisation of alcohol that is prevalent in their literature and "step programme" and the idea that only a belief in God can save me from dying of an alcohol related illness. I make a simple lifestyle not to drink alcohol and haven't drank in over a year, and I didn't need any "recovery programme" to do that. I can still go out and associate with friends that do drink without any problems. The difference is that I can remember everything and am not dying for days afterwards.

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17 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

I used to be what might be called a "problem drinker". I was never an "alcoholic", but was directed to AA meetings. I didn't stick around at AA because of similar things like avoiding places that serve alcohol, not associated with friends who drink etc, counting the amount of time you've stopped drinking for, the denial of personal responsibility, the demonisation of alcohol that is prevalent in their literature and "step programme" and the idea that only a belief in God can save me from dying of an alcohol related illness. I make a simple lifestyle not to drink alcohol and haven't drank in over a year, and I didn't need any "recovery programme" to do that. I can still go out and associate with friends that do drink without any problems. The difference is that I can remember everything and am not dying for days afterwards.

I came to not bother about the GOD part of it at GA, I watched and listened about so many seemingly hopeless cases transforming the lives of them and theirs, some through religious beliefs, some like myself with not one iota of belief in anything like that, if someone believes that a strong belief in their favourite armchair is transforming them, that was fine by me, it helped me grow big style.

The 1st time I walked into meditation and saw a bald lady with gold robes on my brain was saying "what the f**k is this bollocks", can't tell you how glad I am that I was open-minded enough to hang around and just take the things I wanted to take from the sessions.

I had a higher power, unlike some others, my higher power was always within me.

Edited by ayrmad
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Just now, ayrmad said:

I came to not bother about the GOD part of it at GA, I watched and listened about so many seemingly hopeless cases transforming the lives of them and theirs, some through religious beliefs, some like myself with not one iota of belief in anything like that, if someone believes that a strong belief in their favourite armchair is transforming them, that was fine by me, it helped me grow big style.

The 1st time I walked into meditation and saw a bald lady with gold robes on my brain was saying "what the f**k is this bollocks", can't tell you how glad I am that I was open-minded enough to hang around and just take the things I wanted to take from the sessions.

I can appreciate that people can get a lot out of the meetings, programme etc but it wasn't for me. I know a lot of people who haven't drank in decades but still go to meetings, so they obviously enjoy the social side of it and still get something out of going. Maybe because they are self-confessed alcoholics they could get something out of it that I couldn't get, because I was just a depressive who tried binge-drinking to kill my depression. Now that my depression isn't there anymore I don't feel the need to drink.

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1 minute ago, Richey Edwards said:

I can appreciate that people can get a lot out of the meetings, programme etc but it wasn't for me. I know a lot of people who haven't drank in decades but still go to meetings, so they obviously enjoy the social side of it and still get something out of going. Maybe because they are self-confessed alcoholics they could get something out of it that I couldn't get, because I was just a depressive who tried binge-drinking to kill my depression. Now that my depression isn't there anymore I don't feel the need to drink.

I've not been for 7 or 8 years but I know it will be there if I need it.

If people are fucked with an addiction and really want to stop,they can do worse than going to GA, AA etc, IMHO it will always work if you really want it to, I've no idea how many attendees were all in addicts or just problem gamblers but there were always quite a few that were just there to get their card stamped and quite a few that seemed to think that sitting in a meeting once or twice a week was going to transform them, it's what you do outside the meetings that decides your fate IMO.

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2 minutes ago, Raidernation said:

^^^Exactly this.

AA did nothing for me, 3 weeks in an in-patient hospital rehabilitation program did it for me.

Sitting listening to a buddhist monk was amazing for me but I'd long since stopped gambling, I just think I'm the exact same as an alcoholic, heroin addict etc, gambling was just my addiction of choice, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN, far far easier said than done.

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2 hours ago, Raidernation said:

^^^Exactly this.

AA did nothing for me, 3 weeks in an in-patient hospital rehabilitation program did it for me.

I spent two years going to AA meetings, made friends and listened to people's stories but had no notion to do their programme. It took a moment were I was sitting in the living room in the dark, depressed as f**k, swigging from a half-bottle of Glens when a sudden thought of "what exactly am I getting out of doing this?" caused me to stop trying to mask the depression with alcohol and do something about it. I poured the almost full half-bottle down the toilet and haven't had a drink since.

I come from a big family, I have an uncle and two cousins who all have mental health problems. For years they have been self-medicating with substances ranging from alcohol and cannabis to cocaine and heroin. I have seen them change from lovely, outgoing, kind and fun people to hollow and withdrawn shells of their former selves. I didn't want that to happen to me, which is why I sought treatment for depression. A very awful thing happened to me when I was a child and I was haunted by it for a long time. I drank to try to stop thinking about it. It was only when I underwent therapy last year that I was able to discuss what happened for the first time and was able to overcome it to the extent that it doesn't trouble me anymore. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I eventually got it through my thick skull that alcohol doesn't make your problems go away.

Edited by Richey Edwards
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On 23/02/2018 at 20:32, Richey Edwards said:

There's a common question from non-informed people, which is "what have you got to be depressed about?". This is often accompanied by an unhelpful statement like "there's people worse off than you".

There are people who have no shelter, no food, no family, no job, no career opportunities, no education, no safety and I (and I bet most of you) have at least a couple of these things. Therefore of course people are situationally and circumstantially better of than I am.

However, it is possible to have all of these things and still suffer horribly from depression or any other mental illness. This is because depression is not circumstantial or situational.

No amount of "manning up", being told that there are people worse off than you or waiting for it to go away will make it go away. The only way to get rid of it is by seeking help and getting whatever help you require.

I wish I had found that out sooner and saved myself about ten years of antidepressants and therapies that were nothing more than temporary fixes because I wasn't honest enough with myself or medical professionals to deal with the real problem.

Long time lurker here. I'm in my mid 20's and have been in and out of homeless accomodation since 18. It wasn't until around 22/23 I started drinking heavily and smoking weed daily, which led to pills and on the odd occasion heroin. even when I am off drugs clean living and hitting the gym there still just feels like a total emptiness inside me. I put on a smile around others but my mind is always somewhere else. I will lie awake at night with horrible thoughts coming and going. My family have probably noticed as I have become a complete hermit and avoid social interaction if at all possible. I worry that the drug abuse has taken its toll on my brain chemistry and that's me fucked for life. I see other people laughing and joking and I just feel like I am being kicked in the stomach. This has been going on for around 4-5 years with maybe 6 months of that timeframe with me in a fit mental state. I just feel like I have pissed away my prime with nothing to show for it. Are these addiction groups worth it? Around 3 years ago I spoke to my gp and was prescribed mirtazapine which gave me restless legs when taken at night and far too lethargic when taken am, so was switched to setraline which seemed to make me more social and focus on the positives of my situation instead of the negatives. Was forwarded to a meeting with a counsellor which I forgot about till that morning after a bender. Sitting in that room still hanging and being told he could smell the drink off me set me off a bit and I was too embarassed to go back. I have a great family which I honestly do not deserve, I am snappy, rude and just an all round horrible person to be around. I just can't utter the words I'm struggling to loved ones. Also I work full time as a support worker which should reitterate that my situation is not so bad when I am looking after people wheelchair and bed bound but if anything it makes it worse. I know I probably need a career change but getting the motivation seems like a lost cause. Suicide has been a constant thought at times but I could never go through with it. I have tried a herbal approach with vitamin stacks including l-theanine and 5htp but no noticable success. I understand the drugs, specifically strong opiates have given me a feeling or high that is unnatainable sober but its not like I'm looking to be permanantly happy, but feeling depressed/anxious/empty 99% of the time just takes it toll. In my late teens and early 20's I loved socialising and meeting new people, whereass now veing in a crowded pub or club would have me nearing a panic attack. Apologies I've rambled on here but If getting it out even on an anonymous forum can benefit me in any way theb worth a punt. 

hope everyone who has posted on this thread in the past has found peace abd those still struggling are getting there.

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Think the addiction group is definitely worth a go, Bert. Could help you stop misusing drink and drugs and help you meet others in a similar situation which would hopefully help you feel a bit better about things. It might not be for you, which is okay, but if you give it a go it might just be. Take care mate.

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Some brave posts on here.

The fact people are willing to discuss it as general subject matter shows how things have changed for the better.

I wish you all well with coping, managing and recovery.

As you were folks.

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On 10/06/2018 at 23:26, engelbert_humperdink said:

I worry that the drug abuse has taken its toll on my brain chemistry and that's me fucked for life.

Obviously I've no way of knowing whether you've altered your brain chemistry in perpetuity, my brain function was altered dramatically due to years of gambling and what was required for me to gamble, I worked hard for quite a few years to rejig my brain and rid myself of thoughts and actions that were counter to the life that I desired, after a while I came to acknowledge that some of those rough edges were just me now, nothing I could do to alter them, my wife gets diagnosed with terminal cancer and like magic quite a few of them disappeared, needless to say I'm redoubling my efforts to change everything.

I just feel like I have pissed away my prime with nothing to show for it.

I will never look at my life in those terms, that's just going to encourage negative traits that stop me being the best person I can be, it gives me excuses that I neither want nor need, I will own it with as much consciousness as I can muster within myself but I won't be owned by it.

Are these addiction groups worth it?

Who knows if it's worth it for you, doing nothing certainly isn't worth it.

I have a great family which I honestly do not deserve.

I think that's what love is all about, my parents didn't cut me adrift when it was easy to, I'll not cut any of mine adrift when it is easy to, so many destructive people have been given a huge helping hand to a destructive personality due to being left feeling unloved and unworthy by those closest to them.

I am snappy, rude and just an all round horrible person to be around.

You've recognised it, do something about it.

I just can't utter the words I'm struggling to loved ones.

When you feel better about yourself it might be easier.

Also I work full time as a support worker which should reitterate that my situation is not so bad when I am looking after people wheelchair and bed bound but if anything it makes it worse.

You're assuming that everyone in those situations is miserable all the time, I don't believe that to be the case.

I know I probably need a career change but getting the motivation seems like a lost cause.

I certainly don't think you're a lost cause, effecting changes that give you a different outlook might elicit remarkable changes for the better.

I understand the drugs, specifically strong opiates have given me a feeling or high that is unnatainable sober but its not like I'm looking to be permanantly happy, but feeling depressed/anxious/empty 99% of the time just takes it toll.

I'll never get the feelings or the highs I experienced when I was punting, that's fine, I'm now striving for my average levels of happiness to be far higher than they've ever been, it's not something I'm taking lightly, I know It will involve lots of hard work. 

In my late teens and early 20's I loved socialising and meeting new people, whereass now veing in a crowded pub or club would have me nearing a panic attack.

I've never had anything nearing a panic attack but I do know that I need to take up certain activities that have crippled me self-consciously in the past.

I hope some of my responses don't come across as too abrupt.

 

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Back to the doctor for me this evening. My depression has progressed into anxiety attacks over the past few months with my Dad's death seeming to be the obvious trigger. Getting a new anti-depressant so will see how that works.

I can’t Imagine how you feel mate but I hope your anti depressants are working for you.

It’s easy for me to say but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going.
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