Depression

[Adam]

I know that my problems are trivial compared to what a lot of people go through, but f**k it I feel shit so I'm going to vent and hopefully feel better by the end of it.
I have been signed off work since the end of July due to significant deterioration in my mental health. I do not currently feel able to return to work, but I do plan on returning when I am better and my manager has been very supportive so the work situation is not an issue.
In the past I have been signed off for periods of poor mental health and have returned to work when the "depression" improved. However, I had never acknowledged or dealt with the actual cause. Something traumatic happened to me in my early teens and for years I went through cycles of denial and self-blame, and I never told anyone about it because I did not want people to judge me or think that I was lying.
I disclosed this to my GP and my manager and it was arranged for me to attend counselling, which I am finding helpful. I feel that a weight has been lifted after disclosing what happened to me and I don't feel the shame and self-loathing anymore.
As pathetic and ridiculous as it sounds, I often feel as if I have wasted my life and blown all the good opportunities that have come my way. I have no savings, no degree, I live with my parents, all of my relationships have ended because my mental health has usually deteriorated during all of them. I had a reasonably well-paid job back in 2012 but had some sort of mental breakdown and ended up packing it in. I have often been told that I am intelligent and have/had massive potential, but I have never done anything particularly spectacular. In my early 20's I was ambitious and had big ideas but through disappointments and mental ill-health these were all squeezed out of me.
But I am 27 years old. I am still relatively young and can still go to university, take a different career path, have a house, learn to drive, travel and do all the things I wanted to do in my early 20's. Because why shouldn't I?  Why wouldn't I be able to do these things? The only thing stopping me is myself.
I used to smoke 20 a day and was pretty much obese but have stopped smoking and lost a lot of weight, which was something I wanted to do for a number of years. If I apply the same dedication to other areas of my life then I can have a good life.
Yeah, I feel better now. Sorry about the monologue, but if you can't have a mental health monologue in a depression thread then where can you have one? 

Your problems are not trivial at all, don’t ever think that. Mental health issues affect people in various ways at various stages in their lives.

As you said, you’re still young mate, things can, and will, get better. You just need to seek the right help and support.

[buchan30]

I know that my problems are trivial compared to what a lot of people go through, but f**k it I feel shit so I'm going to vent and hopefully feel better by the end of it.
I have been signed off work since the end of July due to significant deterioration in my mental health. I do not currently feel able to return to work, but I do plan on returning when I am better and my manager has been very supportive so the work situation is not an issue.
In the past I have been signed off for periods of poor mental health and have returned to work when the "depression" improved. However, I had never acknowledged or dealt with the actual cause. Something traumatic happened to me in my early teens and for years I went through cycles of denial and self-blame, and I never told anyone about it because I did not want people to judge me or think that I was lying.
I disclosed this to my GP and my manager and it was arranged for me to attend counselling, which I am finding helpful. I feel that a weight has been lifted after disclosing what happened to me and I don't feel the shame and self-loathing anymore.
As pathetic and ridiculous as it sounds, I often feel as if I have wasted my life and blown all the good opportunities that have come my way. I have no savings, no degree, I live with my parents, all of my relationships have ended because my mental health has usually deteriorated during all of them. I had a reasonably well-paid job back in 2012 but had some sort of mental breakdown and ended up packing it in. I have often been told that I am intelligent and have/had massive potential, but I have never done anything particularly spectacular. In my early 20's I was ambitious and had big ideas but through disappointments and mental ill-health these were all squeezed out of me.
But I am 27 years old. I am still relatively young and can still go to university, take a different career path, have a house, learn to drive, travel and do all the things I wanted to do in my early 20's. Because why shouldn't I?  Why wouldn't I be able to do these things? The only thing stopping me is myself.
I used to smoke 20 a day and was pretty much obese but have stopped smoking and lost a lot of weight, which was something I wanted to do for a number of years. If I apply the same dedication to other areas of my life then I can have a good life.
Yeah, I feel better now. Sorry about the monologue, but if you can't have a mental health monologue in a depression thread then where can you have one? 

Is there anything that triggers these mental health episodes? Or is it that whatever happened just always at the forefront of your mind? It can’t be easy, but you sound determined enough to try and turn things around, and i hope you succeed in doing so. Places like this can help, even knowing you are not alone in how you feel can sometimes be a little help.

[Richey Edwards]

3 minutes ago, buchan30 said:

 

Is there anything that triggers these mental health episodes? Or is it that whatever happened just always at the forefront of your mind? It can’t be easy, but you sound determined enough to try and turn things around, and i hope you succeed in doing so. Places like this can help, even knowing you are not alone in how you feel can sometimes be a little help.

 

They sort of creep up on me, but there are early signs like feelings of intense anxiety and dread. I have intrusive thoughts about what happened but those don't occur as much as they used to. I think telling people about it has alleviated alot of that because there is no shame or self loathing on my part anymore because what happened was not my fault. By speaking out I have broken free from the power that my abuser held over me.

I had given up on the aspirations and dreams that I had when I was young because I hated myself and did not feel that I deserved any of them. But that is bullshit, of course I deserve the chance to realise the dreams and aspirations that I had as a young boy but thought had been stolen from me. Only I can give myself that chance.

[buchan30]

They sort of creep up on me, but there are early signs like feelings of intense anxiety and dread. I have intrusive thoughts about what happened but those don't occur as much as they used to. I think telling people about it has alleviated alot of that because there is no shame or self loathing on my part anymore because what happened was not my fault. By speaking out I have broken free from the power that my abuser held over me.
I had given up on the aspirations and dreams that I had when I was young because I hated myself and did not feel that I deserved any of them. But that is bullshit, of course I deserve the chance to realise the dreams and aspirations that I had as a young boy but thought had been stolen from me. Only I can give myself that chance.

Do you think by finding ways to deal with the anxiety and dread (i don’t know if you maybe are already) when they begin it would help? As you say, you have the chance to change your life and achieve goals, however big or small. Its not as if there isn’t plenty of support nowadays either to help people recover from these types of things as well. You never have to feel like you are alone anymore. The fact that such a prominent football forum has a forum for dealing with such an issue as well, goes to show there is no longer a stigma attached to mental health problems as well.

[Richey Edwards]

4 minutes ago, buchan30 said:

 

Do you think by finding ways to deal with the anxiety and dread (i don’t know if you maybe are already) when they begin it would help? As you say, you have the chance to change your life and achieve goals, however big or small. Its not as if there isn’t plenty of support nowadays either to help people recover from these types of things as well. You never have to feel like you are alone anymore. The fact that such a prominent football forum has a forum for dealing with such an issue as well, goes to show there is no longer a stigma attached to mental health problems as well.

 

Yeah, I need to be more proactive definitely. It's annoying because I should know better by now. It's definitely something I should look into putting an end to earlier. I have counselling tomorrow so it is probably something I will discuss.

Things like reading and listening to music help to divert my thoughts but it's not always possible to pull a book out or put music on.

I have quite a few people I can talk to both in person and online so that's a handy support network to have. I rarely feel properly alone.

[buchan30]

Yeah, I need to be more proactive definitely. It's annoying because I should know better by now. It's definitely something I should look into putting an end to earlier. I have counselling tomorrow so it is probably something I will discuss.
Things like reading and listening to music help to divert my thoughts but it's not always possible to pull a book out or put music on.
I have quite a few people I can talk to both in person and online so that's a handy support network to have. I rarely feel properly alone.

That all sounds quite positive mate, Hopefully you will gain something from another counselling session tomorrow.

[Richey Edwards]

Mental health has been much improved the past couple of days.

The counselling session was interesting. The main subject of discussion was that people who think a lot (like I do) tend to be disconnected from what their body tells them, which is how physical "warning signs" get ignored. Things like knots in the stomach, tightness in the chest, nausea etc do not get dealt with because I tend to either attribute them to other things or think that I will wait for them to pass rather than dealing with them. Your body and instincts remember how you react to stressful events even if your mind tries to cover them up.

[++Ammo - Airdrie++]

First time posting on this thread so here goes.

I've had a LONG battle with mental illness, going back probably to 2009, I've had a few different types of medication in that time but one that I've found mostly worked was Mirtazipine. Started on Citalopram but after a bad turn in 2011 i moved to the Mirtazipine. Currently on 45mg a day and over the last 2 years its been great with hardly any down days, but these last 2 weeks have been hell, with today tipping the scales as one of the worst I've felt in the last 5 years. Don't know if its work or home life or a mixture but its actually bringing on a heavy lumpy pain in my chest, like a struggle to breathe. Cant really say much else at the moment but i saw this thread and decided what the hell.....

[PB 4.2]

23 minutes ago, ++Ammo - Airdrie++ said:

First time posting on this thread so here goes.

I've had a LONG battle with mental illness, going back probably to 2009, I've had a few different types of medication in that time but one that I've found mostly worked was Mirtazipine. Started on Citalopram but after a bad turn in 2011 i moved to the Mirtazipine. Currently on 45mg a day and over the last 2 years its been great with hardly any down days, but these last 2 weeks have been hell, with today tipping the scales as one of the worst I've felt in the last 5 years. Don't know if its work or home life or a mixture but its actually bringing on a heavy lumpy pain in my chest, like a struggle to breathe. Cant really say much else at the moment but i saw this thread and decided what the hell.....

Call nhs 24 or 999 if it gets any worse fella.  Look after yourself. 

[DA Baracus]

32 minutes ago, ++Ammo - Airdrie++ said:

First time posting on this thread so here goes.

I've had a LONG battle with mental illness, going back probably to 2009, I've had a few different types of medication in that time but one that I've found mostly worked was Mirtazipine. Started on Citalopram but after a bad turn in 2011 i moved to the Mirtazipine. Currently on 45mg a day and over the last 2 years its been great with hardly any down days, but these last 2 weeks have been hell, with today tipping the scales as one of the worst I've felt in the last 5 years. Don't know if its work or home life or a mixture but its actually bringing on a heavy lumpy pain in my chest, like a struggle to breathe. Cant really say much else at the moment but i saw this thread and decided what the hell.....

That's a shitter. Have you thought about any possible triggers for this? Or is it just a combination of things happening all at once? I ask because if you can identify something then you might be able to take steps to stop it affecting you so much.

Sounds like you're described an anxiety attack, or at least symptoms of it. You should probably see your GP ASAP about that.

[Myko]

Long time lurker here, spent the last few days reading through a good chunk of the thread and feel like I should break my posting duck...

 

Although I don't feel like I have fully blown depression as such, for the past few months something just hasn't felt ''right'', and I currently feel like I'm living in a bit of a bubble and am a bit out of touch with my surroundings. My job is fine, I do part time work that earns a little extra too, relationship is fine, money is fine, so I don't have the ''traditional'' situational stressors that can trigger this.

 

However, I had a few panic attacks out of nowhere around April/May this year which set me back a bit, maybe subconsciously at first but it got gradually worse. I ended up in hospital early June after I experienced some weird chest pains after a round of golf (looking back it was probably anxiety related), and that caused several weeks of health anxiety. It all culminated late July when I was away with the family and had a big panic attack in public. We were sitting in a restaurant and I started to feel dizzy - next thing I know I'm sitting in a toilet cubicle, lashing with sweat, heart was pounding and I could hardly breathe. It was the strangest feeling ever. A few days later I was out with the missus for lunch and it happened again. Ever since that exact moment I just haven't felt my usual self and just feel a bit withdrawn. Physically I'm okay now, have managed to stave off some further attacks; But there's still  some psychological creases to iron out. I've been to my GP but he said it was just an acute bout of anxiety & mild depression so didn't feel the need for medication, which I agreed with to be honest. It's a really strange feeling, hopefully it clears up over time.

 

Now that I've accepted that it was maybe just a short-term bout of anxiety and some mild depression, I feel a bit better and the proverbial cloud is lifting a bit. But it really put it into perspective what a lot of people are going through and it's without a doubt 100% healthy to talk about it. FWIW my only advice would be pay attention to things sleeping habits and appetite - these can be a very good indication of one's overall well-being and if spotted early it can iron out some long term issues.

 

-

[Richey Edwards]

1 hour ago, Myko said:

FWIW my only advice would be pay attention to things sleeping habits and appetite - these can be a very good indication of one's overall well-being and if spotted early it can iron out some long term issues.

I 100% agree regarding sleep pattern. I have periods of insomnia were I cannot sleep at night and only snatch a couple of hours of poor quality sleep here and there. My mental during such times is terrible and that is when most of my horrible thoughts occur. However, on the rare occasion that I manage to get a peaceful night of sleep I feel good during the day.

Good sleep habits are underrated when it comes to mental health. It can make a big difference.

[Kneetrembler]

3 minutes ago, Richey Edwards said:

I 100% agree regarding sleep pattern. I have periods of insomnia were I cannot sleep at night and only snatch a couple of hours of poor quality sleep here and there. My mental during such times is terrible and that is when most of my horrible thoughts occur. However, on the rare occasion that I manage to get a peaceful night of sleep I feel good during the day.

Good sleep habits are underrated when it comes to mental health. It can make a big difference.

Agree strongly with the above. Insomnia is probably the worst symptom I get. In the middle of the night I can get really panicked and I also get horrible thoughts.  There are plenty of good strategies to help get to sleep mind. Careful with meds though, both scripts and selfies.  They will lead to worse problems more often than not. 

[Richey Edwards]

Just now, Kneetrembler said:

Agree strongly with the above. Insomnia is probably the worst symptom I get. In the middle of the night I can get really panicked and I also get horrible thoughts.  There are plenty of good strategies to help get to sleep mind. Careful with meds though, both scripts and selfies.  They will lead to worse problems more often than not. 

Agreed regarding meds. From experience they may work in the short term but when the prescription runs out I was straight back to being awake all night. It is better to try to fix your sleep pattern (as difficult as it may be) rather than rely on pills.

[Myko]

I had right bother with sleep for a solid month and it was unbearable. That's when alarm bells started ringing. It naturally suppressed and become less aggressive over time but I still get the odd early wake that I can't get back to sleep from.

What was most worrying was that even in my dreams, I was wary and conscious about my anxiety and everything that happened in my dreams was labeled with it like in real life. It was torture, like some kind of horrific 24/7 Inception-style movie plot that I couldn't escape from.

[Shandon Par]

I don't know how/if this would relate to those with depression/anxiety etc but I'll often have spells where I can't sleep. I used to find it tough and would be tossing and turning but now I just accept it and get up. The 8 or 9 hours a night is a bit like a social convention. You could lie in bed stewing and stressing at not sleeping or just get up and do something relaxing. I might watch some boring vids on YouTube or play the Playstation. If it gets to about an hour before getting up time then I'll know that although it's only going to be a short sleep it will be a good deep kip and will just crash where I am with a blanket. Listening to stuff helps too - podcasts, audiobooks etc. 

[SmudgePop]

Depression is a serious mental illness. Know the signs and you can save a life.

[Gaz]

My Dad passed away yesterday morning. Don't know where to put this as it seemed PTTGOYN wasn't the right place.

I've been struggling with my mental health for a couple of years now, this is the latest thing to happen. 2017 has been a shite year.

I'm just glad he didn't go through the final months of suffering that usually happens with people with his kind of cancer. It was sudden and he didn't suffer.

[Scary Bear]

My Dad passed away yesterday morning. Don't know where to put this as it seemed PTTGOYN wasn't the right place.
I've been struggling with my mental health for a couple of years now, this is the latest thing to happen. 2017 has been a shite year.
I'm just glad he didn't go through the final months of suffering that usually happens with people with his kind of cancer. It was sudden and he didn't suffer.

Sorry for your loss. I’m never sure what to write when someone loses a loved one. My dad also has cancer. He’s having an operation in January. Hope your mental health improves.

[NJ2]

My Dad passed away yesterday morning. Don't know where to put this as it seemed PTTGOYN wasn't the right place.
I've been struggling with my mental health for a couple of years now, this is the latest thing to happen. 2017 has been a shite year.
I'm just glad he didn't go through the final months of suffering that usually happens with people with his kind of cancer. It was sudden and he didn't suffer.

Sorry to hear mate. Take solace in the fact he never suffered. Take your time to deal with this and do what you need to do to try and help your mental health. Thoughts to you and the family.