P&B Confession Room

[Bert Raccoon]

I doubt if your shite improved it.

Doubt he noticed tbh.

[Dee Dee]

I once wiped my arse on a tramps bedding. He wasn't in it if it's any better.

Sitting or standing?

This is important.

Thank you.

[Bert Raccoon]

Sitting or standing?

This is important.

Thank you.

Well, I was on the way back from seeing Ash at the Barras and on my way back into the city centre to meet my then girlfriend. On the way down the beers must have kicked in and I suddenly needed a shite, not unlike the scene in Trainspotting with Renton. I needed an opportunity and most pubs nearby were shut or full of stab friendly drunks. I spotted n opportunity where the old Paddy's Market in Glasgow was. It was well out the way from prying eyes so I could do my business in peace. Got down there and went in bush and quickly dropped my kegs and let rip a very skittery beer shite. All good apart from now I was squatting down with a shitey arse and on my way to meet the gf. Then I see the white duvet on the ground. So, as much as I was disgusted, I wiped my arse on the duvet. Relieving as it was, I can't help but feel bad when I saw the pillow and sleeping bag sitting next to it. My only hope is the poor c**t thought he shat himself. Edited March 2, 2016 by Bert Raccoon

[Dee Dee]

Well, I was on the way back from seeing Ash at the Barras and on my way back into the city centre to meet my then girlfriend. I'm the way down the beers must have kicked in and I suddenly needed a shite, not unlike the scene in Trainspotting with Renton. I needed an opportunity and most pubs nearby were shut or full of stab friendly drunks. I spotted n opportunity where the old Paddy's Market in Glasgow was. It was well out the way from prying eyes so I old do my business in peace. Got down there nd went in bush and quickly dropped my kegs and let rip a very skittery beer shite. All good apart from now I was squatting down with a shitey arse and I my way to meet the gf. Then I see the white duvet on the ground. So, as much as I was disgusted, I wiped my arse on the duvet. Relieving as it was, I can't help but feel bad when I saw the pillow and sleeping bag sitting next to it. My only hope is the poor c**t thought he shat himself.

Improvise, adapt and overcome. To hell wi the consequences.

[the snudge]

On my last day working in a bank a couple of years ago, I refunded thousands of random customers bank charges, went into my personnel file and completely obliterated it. Still waiting on the police knocking at the door.

[Bert Raccoon]

Improvise, adapt and overcome. To hell wi the consequences.

That should be the motto of the SAS.

[Deefiant]

My first job was in a shitey corner shop chain store aged 16.

I ripped them off for thousands over a 1 year period in stock/cash/lotteries and scratch cards.

Miracle I wasn't caught - very stupid wee boy.

[sureiknow]

Many years ago I got my 1St flat as a 2nd year apprentice.

Shared it with a mate who was a 1St year one.

Needless to say after paying rent and leaving enough for bus fares and Friday night piss up we were skint.

We used to follow the milkman on his run on weekends and pincers the eggs and potatoes he used to leave at people's doors.

Also, with a bit of local knowledge we used to go into local vegetable growers gardens and greenhouses and raid their vegetables.

Oh! Happy days.

Though after a while we gave up, bit through starvation and returned home to our Mammy's.

[sureiknow]

. Still waiting on the police knocking at the door.

Evening all!

[The Ginger Prince]

I shagged my best mates sister in his bed on his birthday a number of years ago.

[Deefiant]

I shagged my best mates sister in his bed on his birthday a number of years ago.

I shagged my best mates big sister as well.

I was at his because he'd picked me up from the hospital where I'd been visiting a girl I really liked (now my wife) who had just been glassed by my ex for dancing with me.

He was not happy when I told him...

[Sergeant Wilson]

I shagged my best mates big sister as well.

I was at his because he'd picked me up from the hospital where I'd been visiting a girl I really liked (now my wife) who had just been glassed by my ex for dancing with me.

He was not happy when I told him...

^^^There's no substitute for class.

[Grim O'Grady]

I confess I was the Horwich Hoaxer.

It's going to be a bit long, so the goldfish amongst us that haven't already got me on ignore, now would be the perfect opportunity.

Back in the day when Bolton Wanderers moved from Burnden Park out of the town up to the brand new Reebok stadium on the Middlebrook shopping centre, in Horwich. My workmates hubby played a trick on this other lass we all used to knock about with. So as a knight in shining armour, I thought I'd jump to her defence. The lad in question was a big Trotters fan, season ticket holder for years. I was living in Bolton at the time I must add.

Anyway as mentioned the Trotts had recently moved to their new ground so I devised a cunning plan. I went on the tinternet & got BWFC logo & made up a nice shiny letter saying that Andy, for that was the lads name was 1 of 50 lucky season ticket holders to be chosen as part of a loyal fans initiative in the "end of an era" DVD launch to be held on the next home match day, when the wanderers entertain Wimbledon.

The event went something like. 1pm at ground, drop off tuxedo/dinner suit at reception. Off to the players lounge for a light lunch & meet the chairman.

Executive match seat inc free programme. A beer or soft drink at 1/2 time. After the match back to the players lounge to meet the manager & players inc phot opportunities.

Then 7pm change in to evening attire. For a meal & launch of the DVD end of an era from Burnden Park to Middlebrook, they would each receive a copy of the video & be in the Bolton Evening News.

So I printed up a 1st draft & showed it to my mate also a season ticket holder, he pointed out a few basic mistakes & gave me some knowledge to make it more authentic.

Draft 2 printed up, brilliant, in fact so good he took a copy, as did another workmate who was not in any of our circles, to send to some lads they knew, so it was done Andy duly got his copy. Has did a few randoms around Bolton.

Well he obviously thougt it was a wind up but curiosity got the better of him & he rang up the Wanderers to ask about it. It has taken him a couple of days to bite, so by the time he rang there had been 2 other enquiries, what was brilliant was that because they were from 3 different social circles, none of the recipients knew each other.

BWFC shat themselves & put a copy of my letter in the paper saying it was all a hoax & that the other 97 who received the letter not to turn up on Saturday with their suits at 1 o'clock cos it wasn't happening.

I found out later that they employed an extra 20 security at 1 o'clock that day just in case. I feel that their current financial situation is all my fault & I beg the good P&B jury to show leniency.

As an aside some one wrote in to the paper asking why wasn't BWFC doing something like that anyway, seemed like a good idea to them?

The DVD never saw the light of day that Saturday.

Grimbo

[Dindeleux]

Started work at 8 and have been browsing Pie and Bovril ever since.

Work should never really start before 9am.

[hk blues]

I confess I was the Horwich Hoaxer.

It's going to be a bit long, so the goldfish amongst us that haven't already got me on ignore, now would be the perfect opportunity.

Back in the day when Bolton Wanderers moved from Burnden Park out of the town up to the brand new Reebok stadium on the Middlebrook shopping centre, in Horwich. My workmates hubby played a trick on this other lass we all used to knock about with. So as a knight in shining armour, I thought I'd jump to her defence. The lad in question was a big Trotters fan, season ticket holder for years. I was living in Bolton at the time I must add.

Anyway as mentioned the Trotts had recently moved to their new ground so I devised a cunning plan. I went on the tinternet & got BWFC logo & made up a nice shiny letter saying that Andy, for that was the lads name was 1 of 50 lucky season ticket holders to be chosen as part of a loyal fans initiative in the "end of an era" DVD launch to be held on the next home match day, when the wanderers entertain Wimbledon.

The event went something like. 1pm at ground, drop off tuxedo/dinner suit at reception. Off to the players lounge for a light lunch & meet the chairman.

Executive match seat inc free programme. A beer or soft drink at 1/2 time. After the match back to the players lounge to meet the manager & players inc phot opportunities.

Then 7pm change in to evening attire. For a meal & launch of the DVD end of an era from Burnden Park to Middlebrook, they would each receive a copy of the video & be in the Bolton Evening News.

So I printed up a 1st draft & showed it to my mate also a season ticket holder, he pointed out a few basic mistakes & gave me some knowledge to make it more authentic.

Draft 2 printed up, brilliant, in fact so good he took a copy, as did another workmate who was not in any of our circles, to send to some lads they knew, so it was done Andy duly got his copy. Has did a few randoms around Bolton.

Well he obviously thougt it was a wind up but curiosity got the better of him & he rang up the Wanderers to ask about it. It has taken him a couple of days to bite, so by the time he rang there had been 2 other enquiries, what was brilliant was that because they were from 3 different social circles, none of the recipients knew each other.

BWFC shat themselves & put a copy of my letter in the paper saying it was all a hoax & that the other 97 who received the letter not to turn up on Saturday with their suits at 1 o'clock cos it wasn't happening.

I found out later that they employed an extra 20 security at 1 o'clock that day just in case. I feel that their current financial situation is all my fault & I beg the good P&B jury to show leniency.

As an aside some one wrote in to the paper asking why wasn't BWFC doing something like that anyway, seemed like a good idea to them?

The DVD never saw the light of day that Saturday.

Grimbo

I confess to having lived in Horwich but, in my defence, it was a step up from Farnworth- which itself was a step up from Dundee!

I didn't get an invite from the Horwich hoaxer though.

[Ross.]

Started work at 8 and have been browsing Pie and Bovril ever since.

Work should never really start before 9am.

I was in the office from 9am until just before 6pm yesterday. The sum total of all the work I done was matching two settlement instructions. This took around 4 minutes per instruction. The rest of the day I spent browsing online.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

There's an unwritten rule at work that whoever takes the last bit of paper towel from the dispenser has to refill it, which for various reasons, is a PITA.

So every time I pull out the last bit, I tear off a tiny fraction and put it back in the dispenser for the next person to remove.

I'm hellbound.

[throbber]

There's an unwritten rule at work that whoever takes the last bit of paper towel from the dispenser has to refill it, which for various reasons, is a PITA.

So every time I pull out the last bit, I tear off a tiny fraction and put it back in the dispenser for the next person to remove.

I'm hellbound.

Bet your the sort of c**t who never empties the bin no matter how full it is.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

Bet your the sort of c**t who never empties the bin no matter how full it is.

I'm the sort of c**t who gets out the bath to have a piss mate.

[throbber]

I'm the sort of c**t who gets out the bath to have a piss mate.

Are you spying on me?

Im not trying to have a go I'm just having a laugh, but the behaviour you described is that of someone who wouldn't empty the bin.