BFTD

To liven things up, how about we say that the winners get to beat Falkirk in the last game of the season?

Children's TV in the Eighties had the strange idea of getting viewers to phone in to control characters in computer games with their voices. Off the top of my head, I remember them using Xenon, Weird Dreams, and Magic Pockets, but there were probably more. Kids would supposedly say up, down, fire, or whatever and the character would somehow respond (this wasn't technology that existed back then). We were more naive then; I don't think you could do that now without viewers realising that the delay would've been so huge that you'd have died long before you saw the game even appear on your TV at home.

I don't care what you all say, we're still winning this. We're all going to spend the rest of our lives waking up with the mental image of an ecstatic John McGinn hugging the Henri Delaunay Trophy.

The Scottish authorities do seem to like trying to block virtually everyone from promotion to a higher league. You could easily take it personally. Edit: if the Bronze licence requirement was only agreed upon in December, that'll be another Scottish football favourite - changing the rules mid-season out of panic.

TBF, most of that list is to do with Brian May being an excellent promoter and milking Freddie Mercury's tragic death. I like both groups and think they wrote a shitload of quality material between them, but Queen would probably win out as performers entirely due to Freddie. The Beatles were from a simpler time where acts could still let their songs do the talking onstage without needing that level of showmanship. Let's be honest, Queen don't achieve half as much success without Freddie's persona.

If a reserve team finishes top of the Lowland League, the play-off spot goes to the runner-up, right? Other than "we never agreed on it", I dunno why the same wouldn't be true when the Highland League champions aren't eligible for promotion.

They're missing out on a massive opportunity for expansion into the US; the orange drink for the orange man. He'd insist they'd licence his name though. Trump Brew. Gassy with a peculiar smell.

I'm sure the younger posters will be absolutely shocked by the number of leather jackets being mentioned by their elders

If there's one thing Scotland's been missing, it's our very own Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Buckie's emails presumably going into the SFA's Junk folder; good prep for life in the big leagues. You really wouldn't like to be Brechin's dug tonight.

I know f**k all about cars, and had never heard of a "Vauxhall Crossland" before yesterday, when I noticed a random discussion had broken out about how shite they are on an unrelated Reddit thread about something totally innocent and not perverted. It's not looking good, is it?

It would be reeeeeally interesting to see how that breaks down with different socioeconomic groups. Who thinks they're going to be a winner or loser, and who's believing Sir Keef when he says he's going to do f**k all?

There's a one-liner about Keith Flint here somewhere....Flint, lighter, flamethrower...bollocks, I'll have it in a minute.

TBF, I could fart into a tuba for fifteen minutes and call it a cover of Ode to Joy, but I really don't think Beethoven should be taking the blame for it.

A kid in my class at school had the superpower of being able to vomit on command, and would use it to get excused from class when he was bored. Just licked his lips for a few seconds and then emptied his stomach on the desk. Uncanny. Doing it didn't bother him at all, but the stench was awful. I'd like to think he's spent his adult life on public transport waiting for people with suppers, then blowing chunks in a carrier bag and claiming to have motion sickness exacerbated by stinking fast food. If that doesn't stop them, nothing will. ...this would be where you tell us what you did to shame yourself. Don't worry, we're an understanding lot.

Sorry, but posting videos of Black Eyed Peas songs ought to be treated the same as posting GIFs of sex machine accidents (Booitsme7, GBNF). Causing unsuspecting humans to remember deep trauma is just so very poor*. You need to do better. * Except for @KnightswoodBear

To be fair to REFUK, this has been a popular refrain among Conservative MPs for some time, and is a wildly popular concept with their voters, many of who would like to have gunboats stationed in the Channel to open fire on unarmed human beings. Makes a total mockery of the idea that only 1% of the population suffers from/enjoys the benefits of psychopathy.

We all have our favourite musicians, but who has produced the highest-quality output over their career? Suggestions: The Bee-Gees - controversial, as as many people seem to hate as love them, but aside from their own massively-popular hits, they also wrote for loads of other people and will almost certainly have been behind something that you like. Prince - I never liked the wee man when I was growing up, and still don't, but it turns out that it's just the performer that I didn't get on with - his songs seem to lend themselves to excellent cover versions, and he was also behind a whole bunch of other cracking tunes written for other people. Plus, he made Batdance. Give us your suggestions, P&B (anyone suggesting will.i.am will.b.banned).

We've had some fun with individual songs being awful, but this is for the groups or individuals who have made a successful career out of absolute garbage. We need to have some kind of chart success metric here or no doubt the thread would be swamped by talentless trust-fund kids who've never needed to work, so have spent their life noodling away to a vanishingly small hipster audience. Let's be honest, the answer is the Black Eyed Peas. From their music as a group, through to Fergie's solo career, down to will.i.am's noises for himself or others, it's hard to imagine that anyone else has achieved so much success from such poor (and frequently lazy) output. A living testament to the theory that mankind is a species that's beyond saving.

Mental. I'm too young to remember that, so there must have been something similar during the Eighties. I can remember Trevor MacDonald using it as the final "here's something funny to finish on" story one night.

And there are always a few giving it, "this is what's wrong with modern society, people filming on their phones rather than getting wired in". Assuming they aren't kidding themselves on about their bravery, they'd certainly be grateful of the phone footage when they're also arrested afterwards. It's also surprising how many violent roasters suddenly get control of themselves when they realise there's a camera pointed at them.

You used to get some mental sagas in the FA Cup. I seem to remember Everton being involved in a tie that took in something daft like five replays. Everyone just heartsick of the whole thing by the time it's over. During harsh winters we'd also have the daft scenario of games being called off multiple times. Wasn't there an early-stage Scottish Cup game in the Eighties that had something like thirty postponements? I seem to remember Huntly being involved, and it made the national news in England when it was finally played.

He's "one of the good ones" though, like that lad pretending to be Mo Farah. The latter hasn't won any Olympic medals lately though, so I wouldn't be making any long-term plans if I were him.

Also, he's not worried about ISIS because it's incredibly unlikely he'd be attacked by them, despite what the press and government would like everyone to think. You'd be as well panicking about being hit by a meteorite.

What is it with This Morning and massive wangs? They once had some American on who claimed to have the world's biggest willy. Also Phillip Schofield and Richard Madeley, lol. Shame God doesn't exist, because I love the sense of humour behind bestowing spectacular genitals upon really quite unattractive men. I remember the American complaining about how many women he'd boned who weren't attracted to him and just wanted to try out his equipment, which really is one for the First World Problems thread.