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Get 'em telt Leigh! At's whit ah'm talkin' aboot! His heid would look braw next to ma Monkey Puzzle tree! + bonus Portillo

Had a fuckbud thing going on with a Greek girl for a while and when she was over on Saturday she was telling me about some guy from Essex she'd met on Tinder. Seemed lovely on the app but they must have matched when he was visiting London and she wasn't keen on seeing someone miles away but he offered to come into London a coupla times and they went on a coupla dates then he invited her to his for the weekend and she went. Said he was nice enough but no spark or that so tried to end it but he started going on about being depressed and how no-one wants to stay with him so she got guilt tripped into another date and he came to hers earlier that week. I advised her just to ghost the p***k as he sounded like a right arsehole (emotional blackmail AND being from Essex) but she insisted on calling him and doing it properly. Sunday night she texts me to say it didn't go well and he was quite angry. This morning she hits me up on facebook to say, as she slept, she had 92 text messages from him giving her dogs abuse and I had a message request from some unknown person She telt me she had mentioned she was sleeping with someone else to him at one point but never said my name, just that I was Scottish, so this jabroni had went through all her Facebook friends looking for the Scottish guy to message. Absolute melter.

If this goes on til tomorrow I want it moved to its own thread

The Championship has been a great division the last few years. I think what's annoying is that football pundits and journalists say that the 'big' teams in that league are Premiership clubs in waiting or that we need them in the top flight. We obviously don't NEED any specific team in the top flight. Also, Hibs and Dundee Utd were utter, complete shitemares in their relegation seasons and deserved to go down. There's an inferiority complex in Scottish that says that we are a 'laughing stock' because Hamilton Accies are in the top flight with crowds of 2000 but Hibs are in the First Division and can draw 18,000. We aren't a laughing stock - it's sport, sometimes teams who have big supports make a balls of things and lose. A lot of it is based on people worrying about what people outside Scotland think about Scottish football. I like Hibs and Dundee Utd and, provided it doesn't cost Caley, I'd like them back in the top flight. But they aren't in the top flight because they don't deserve to be and no amount of droning on by ex-pros and hacks changes that.

"Stevie brings a wealth of experience and I was delighted to be able to bring him on board. From speaking to people within the game he's widely known as a model professional. There's no doubt that this addition will help push us towards our goal of a playoff place come the end of the season."

Even his beloved chips go in the oven for too long.

Joseph Throbbels

Sticking my devils advocate hat on, I genuinely understand the logic of the "natural order" argument that the likes of Willie Miller are fond of. In an ideal world then yeah, you'd hope that the top league would have the biggest, best supported and (crucially) best sides in it. It's difficult to argue that in theory that should make the product easier to sell, promote and market. However, that's not the reality. Having Dundee United in the league didn't make the league any more competitive last season regardless of how big their stadium is or because they won the league in 1983. And there's the rub. The attitude at the moment isn't "how do we promote what we have in a positive way", instead it becomes viewed as an inconvenience, a reason to be down on the game and becomes a case of "everything's ruined, what's the easiest way to get us back into our comfort zone.". On top of that there seems to be a genuine failure to connect the dots and understand what actually makes games appealing. Which is actually a huge problem as it suggests that those running the game in Scotland don't actually understand it. As has been pointed out, the Hibs v Dundee United game sold out because it meant something rather than simply the fact that two city clubs were playing each other. The problem is that it's a completely myopic view. The only real frame of reference is what they know and are comfortable with and even that is a complete distortion of reality.

Got this on the wall in my new flat. [emoji16]

Either he or you has the most Scottish name this side of Haggis McJocknessmonster.

Ayr sign Little.

I should have just googled Nazi beaver......first one the list too.

Throbbing Macht Frei

Going off a tangent here, but another problem with the 'natural order' argument is the notion that a club's 'natural' position is fixed in place forever. I don't want to veer too far into a what constitutes a big club debate, but there's no appreciation that clubs can grow or become lesser, and their natural position will change in line with that. For example, if you asked a cross-section of supporters to put together a list of the biggest clubs in the country in 2004, you could be extremely confident that Dundee would be in the top 6 or 7 in almost everyone's list, and would be above Kilmarnock and Motherwell in almost everyone's list. Yet from 2005 they then spent seven seasons outside the top flight - by the time they were in their seventh season down, could you really say their 'natural' place was in the top flight and that they were a bigger club than Motherwell? They always had the potential in terms of the fanbase to return to being an established top flight club, which they've now realised, but you couldn't argue they were naturally a top flight side when they spent seven seasons out of it due to not being good enough to be promoted. To illustrate it from the perspective of clubs becoming bigger rather than smaller, if you'd asked someone 20 years ago to list the 20 biggest clubs in Scotland, absolutely no one would have included Hamilton, Ross County or Queen of the South in that list. Now everyone would include them, because they've made themselves bigger clubs through progressing on and off the park. No one would think of Queen of the South as 'naturally' being a third or fourth tier club now as they've spent too long above it despite spending the majority of their history outside the top 20 clubs, just as no one would think of Clyde as being anything above a 'natural' fourth tier club despite spending the majority of their history above it. The natural order can change based on what happens on the pitch. If Hibs or Dundee United end up spending years outside the top flight and become smaller clubs with less potential as a result, then tough shit. I'm not one for comparisons to England when our countries are so different in footballing terms, but it stands up here. You don't see their media bleating about how Leeds are still one of the biggest clubs in the country and their natural place is in the top flight above diddy clubs like Stoke: they've not been good enough to be promoted, that's their fault and they've no one to blame but themselves for the likes of Bournemouth and Hull overtaking them.

Your now playing in the Southern Kookaburra League Div 3. The local Koala, high on leaves, he got 4 for Monday. Tough league to get into, tougher to get out....

The wall at Biggies bedside. The smaller pic is a signed Alan Gilzean. Thank you.

Yeah, a dick pic

WTM is currently wearing the guys face as a mask.

I'm as big a Ricky Burns fan as there is, but let's not try to re-write history here, Crawford completely outclassed Ricky when they fought, and he's only improved since, it had nothing to do with personal problems or distractions, Crawford is just a level above Scotland's most successful ever boxer. Fingers crossed he wins this unification fight in April, gets the huge payday that he deserves at the end of the year, and then see how he goes from there. Regardless of how he goes though, the man's a fucking hero.

You have to commend his aim. I struggle for accuracy with even generous targets like "not in my hair".

Well I'm pleased to say that he's suddenly unblocked me! And that means he can't block me again for 30 days

It's something the English media don't do -- mope about and only focus on a select few clubs. Ever listen to Radio Five Live on a Saturday? During a throw-in at a top-level premiership game, the commentator will pipe up with (e.g.) "and Crewe have scored another at Harlepool, so they're now 2 to the good and Hartlepool's relegation worries deepen"... thus informing listeners of a minor scoreline, and passing comment on what it means, then immediately back to the game in hand. That would never happen in Scotland. Up here the vast majority of pundits and commentators are willfully disinterested in anything other than a handful of clubs. Whereas in England they celebrate (e.g.) Wigan's elevation to the premiership, and they don't all cry because Villa are now a mid-table Championship club. It's a completely different attitude. The English are secure in their clubs and report on them all. Even Gordon Strachan was moaning about "finding a way" to get the likes of Hibs back into the top league. It's embarrassingly short-sighted. It also influences the average thicko armchair football fan. The media treat 36 Scottish Clubs with ignorance, therefore the average football fan does likewise.

"On the Premiership sides in waiting" stuff - one thing that football people are seemingly incapable of is performing any sort or re-evaluation or questioning the conventional wisdom. The pundit or journos idea of Scottish football seems still to be based on the 1980's and acts as if the huge re-adjustment over the past decade hadn't happened. The idea that Hibs and Utd are somehow "special cases" in the Championship, just as Hearts and Rangers were before is just wrong IMO. In this worldview, Dundee Utd are mystifyingly (to anyone under 40 at least) viewed be some sort of giant that the top league is bereft without, which is laughable really. I genuinely think Utd are a good club and I'll be happy to see them back if it happens, but on a competitive front, Utd would offer no more than St Johnstone are currently. Hibs, despite being a city club and being well supported, have scarcely made a dent in the Top 6 over the past decade. They've been badly run and have been shown up by clubs a fraction of their size and with nothing like the facilities that Hibs have at their disposal. Just as in their last relegation in the 90s, they aren't missed in a competitive sense in any way. If a club gets relegated for being shite (either off-field or on), they are no different to the other clubs in their new division - and their tame pundits & reporters shouldn't expect the rest of us to mourn their absence in any way or fret about when they'll be "back". If my team got relegated in May after 30 years in the top league, not a single f**k would be given - and rightly so, I don't see why it should be different for any other club regardless of how good they used to be.

His eyes burned into hers like amethysts. He engulfed her in his muscular arms and threw her roughly across the counter. "Take me, Alejandro!" She screamed, but in his passion he had deposited his spongle all over her tabbard. Excerpt taken from "The Shop Girl and the Spanish Prince" by Barbara Cartland.

Wife just called me, the test is positive. We both never expected this, but f**k hey, lets do it. Love you all.....

And they're an appropriate band for the Heads Gone thread.

We should run a sweep who it'd be. I'll kick it off with Paul Dixon.

Just got back from buying some beer. The bill came to $19.99 and as I swiped my card, I said to the woman behind the counter "1999! Now I'm off to party like it." She just stared at me with a bovine expression on her face. The very picture of whooshedness. Now OK, it maybe wasn't the greatest quip ever but here's the thing. The fucking song was playing in the shop AT THE TIME! Sigh.

If I could get my hands on one I would try like f**k to get it signed by Adamczuk. Even if I have to travel to furthest reaches of Poland to find him. I also very nearly bought a signed united shirt from last season to frame and hang in my bathroom. Relegation heroes, each and every one of them played their part and I thank them.

Seems like it. *pokes with stick anyway*

I think it's time to up the ante a bit. I'm not sure smiley faces via text does this situation justice anymore. Get the guy's number up and let one of the forum mentalists take control.

A cobbler called Hamish McLaren. Are you sure he's not messaging you from the 19th century?

Living in a town with a large population (30%ish?) of 'immigrants' I'd say we're, generally, better off. Purely anecdotal, of course, but High Wycombe is a much more interesting place with Polish delis and Indian cricketers. The only 'bother' one sees is from the White English sub-class. I see no reason at all to change our immigration policy and utterly deprecate our (potential) loss of the single-market freedoms.

Feel for you - devestating to discover she's been getting kebabed from a bloody hipster for afters. Greek & from Essex? If she went to St Martin's College, someone had best warn Jarvis.

The English will stop treating our football with contempt the day they stop treating our country with contempt. I'll drop it for now, certainly Rangers and Hearts have been good since coming up, so their Championship players haven't been dreadful. Miller has surprised me, his fitness is incredible. The "top flight clubs in waiting" chat also riles me up. Its all relative, England have Bournemouth, Hull, etc, sub 20,000 crowds in their top flight, wee diddy clubs, but folk talk about the story and the fact that this is a great achievement! Up here, its how can we stop this from happening again!! Mental.

We're now playing for money. You owe everyone a fiver

Well all women are a wee bit lesbian Bert. Especially after me.

Went out for a 'few drinks' after work yesterday. Safe to say I'm in the dog house.

Our daughter is in hospital now getting induced

You are basing a course of action based on an assumption that I could take her and that I'm happy ending any thought on a sex life. No, I'll just sit in the car and moan anonymously on the Internet.

Fanny

Lou Reed - Satellite of Love

Good Morning all at the Falkirk Football Club

If anyone should be handing out punishment fivers, should be you! You've not posted your score in the cup quiz despite repeated naggings! Poor BullyWeeVilla is frantic with worry.

Rolling Stones : Midnight Rambler

Been a while since I posted on here, we had weekly visits from OT to support our daughter who has right sided hemiplegia. The visits lasted about a year then at 22 months she took her first steps and OT stopped coming and she screams blue murder if we put her in a pram or her car seat to go anywhere. It's walk or nothing. She wears an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) on her right foot that supports her ankle and keeps her foot pointing forward. She's 2 years and 2 months old now and causing havoc wherever she goes, she holds up her affected hand to strangers in shops to let them see this weird thing that appears to be connected to her, much to the strangers bemusement. She's the most determined, hyper, noisy and cutest wee girl who will throw her dinner right at you, growl when you give her into trouble for it then flash a smile that makes it impossible to chastise her. She's daddy's wee girl and I'm very much wrapped round her wee finger.