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I would love a threesome with Kate Middleton ans her sister

Don't be daft. I'm not getting my hole any time soon.

There's a sequestration hearing at Livingston Sheriff Court next Wednesday, 4th May brought by Bank of Scotland plc -v- Gerard Keith Nixon. The Livi Chairman's full name is Gerard Keith Nixon. SQ44/11 One and the same or a flukey coincidence ?

<br /><br /><br />He doesn't have all day to speand on here.

I accept anyone.

I can assure you, when someone sends me a friends request on facebook, "Do I want this person to wish me a happy Birthday?", is not at the forefront of my thougts.

He should be un-friended at once.

Her sister is tremendous aswell

If posh tarts like Kate want to be on page 3 of The Sun, they should have to get their tits out like the other lassies do. This page 11 shite is a nonsense.

My girlfriend just posted this - Which I subsequently 'liked'.

Here is my favourite update of the day from one of the resident blue nose muppets in Inverness.

Full highlights Petershill v Glencairn 27/04/2011

Walking into Dundee city centre earlier and am confronted with the sight of 2 jakeballs (trackies, manky hair, the lot) and one rather tubby man child with a primary school PE kit-esque white polo shirt and blue shorts, both extremely tight and unflattering to his rather rotund appearance. So anyway PE kit man-child asked the 2 girls walking a few yards infront of me if they had a fag on them, which they said no. Expecting him to ask me for one I braced myself - only for him to turn away, and heard him mutter "Nah he won't smoke, he looks like a poof". Now I did have to laugh at this Although it appears wearing a t shirt and jeans with sunglasses, and not dressed like some pre-pubescent junkie freakshow constitutes as poof attire in Dundee these days. That's me telt and now know for next time!

The goals are at 11mins 45secs and 13mins 25secs

are you talking about?

Well, the toddler didn't get much choice in the end! Not a lot of humour or interest in it last night I'm afraid, but I'll see what I can do to fill you in. To start. Yusef is out early in the morning and sees Masood changing into his postman uniform and then meeting Phil Mitchell and handing over a wad of cash. Meanwhile, Zainab is opening a letter from Ratchett Loan Company and worrying about the cash situation. Tam and Afia have another wee chat about telling everyone they're married, but bottle it again, just as Mas walks in and hands over some cash, saying that it's been double time at the sorting office over the bank holiday weekend. I'm not really sure why the sorting office would hand over a roll of brand spanking new notes for a bit of overtime, but it's Eastenders, so that'll be none of the viewer's business, I'm guessing. We then see the naughty Cobra Khan having a wee catch up with Denise in the cafe. She's complaining that Hev likes to point out regularly that she's in charge, although Denise says that she's the manager. The sly old doc says that he'll write her a sicknote if she's likes, with a suggestive twinkle in his eye. Denise declines, but before they finish their little chat, he manages to squeeze in his sighting of Phil and Masood, knowing that Denise will be working with Zainab. Ryan (humina, humina) reappears back at Whitney's and agrees to a pyjama and film day with his little sister. I got a bit excited at the thought of Ryan in his jimjams, but he apparently had to go out and pick up some popcorn and pizza and that kind of crap first, so he heads out to the Mini Mart. Never before has there needed to be three members of staff on in a shop that around 30 people in total use, but they've managed to shoehorn Denise, Zainab and Heather into one small space. Heather mentions to Ryan that Whitney needs her brother around at a time like this and Denise concurs, adding that it's a good job she got away. Ryan starts to ask what they're talking about when Arfa (that's Fatboy, in case you're wondering) suggests that he and Ryan have a little chat with Dot. When they leave, Denise drops in a mention of Yusef spotting Masood handing over cash to Phil, and Zainab storms off to chat with her husband. We see a nice little scene with Afia and Tamwar announcing their marriage over the dining table, but from the way it's filmed, you only see the two of them in shot, but not who they're actually talking to. When this technique was used in the 80s, it probably worked, but it's a bit cliched now, so it was obvious that the only person they were talking to was Kamil even before the camera panned around to him sitting at the table. Masood walks in and tells them to go to the stall and he'll watch Kamil. Zainab appears and demands to know what he's doing with Phil Mitchell. She checks his bag and finds his suit and another wad of cash hidden in it. Zainab is concerned that it's drugs, but if anything seems even more annoyed to find out that it's gambling. She tells him of the other ways to find money, loans and begging people. Mas says there's no one else they can ask, and she snaps back "there's always Yusef!". He states, calmly but firmly, he will not ask that man for help. Ryan confronts Whitney about what's been happening and she tries to explain, but he loses his temper when she tells him that she loved Rob and that he reminded her of her big brother. He storms off to Janine to find out what she knows and asks where he can find Rob. Janine (of all people) tells him that she could give him the address but that Rob has moved on and what Whitney really needs right now is Ryan to look after her. Who knew the girl could talk some sense now and then? Rob goes back round to Whitney and gives her a cuddle. Aw. Zainab, after a chat with Yusef in the square, is persuaded to go and visit Syed. It's really much the same as all her other meetings with Syed in that all she does is touch his cheek, cry and say "I shouldn't have come" and then runs out the door again. I'm getting a bit bored of that to be honest. There's a dull wee bit where the council have ditched meals on wheels and no one has thought to tell Dot. Denise, Fatboy and Kim turn up with tubs of food for her and Jim, and Mr Bishop appears. Dot tells him that she doesn't want them all there, so Mr Bishop tells them all to bugger off and they take the food to the home where Jim is staying. Dot has a cracker of a line in telling Mr Bishop that Jim has "always been partial to a bit of foreign", but that's about all that happens of interest there. As the meals on wheels is finished, Mr Bishops leaves Dot, saying "farewell" as he doesn't know when he'll see her again. He leaves, but before we end the scene, we see Dot looking a little deflated. I'm not going to begin to imagine what's going on in her head. The thought of Dot's stirring loins is enough to make my stomach flip. Tam and Afia decide to set a date for their "wedding" - 21st June - to get it out of the way quickly without the need to reveal that they're already married. I can't wait until they turn up at mosque and the heid blokey says "hang on, haven't you two already been in?". With that, Masood announces he's going to work - and he means for Phil Mitchell again. Zainab follows him out of the house, begging him not to go. He ignores her and heads off anyway. She takes her phone out of her pocket and dials a number, presumably Yusef's, because she says "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I need your help. I never stopped loving you". I'm a little bit concerned as to how the residents of the square seem to swap phone numbers quite so easily, despite their apparent hatred of each other. If there was someone you didn't like in your street, would you say "here, have my phone number. Call me anytime. You're still a fanny though"? No, me either. But, I suppose, this is the square and these things are necessary for a storyline.

The Goals, a shocking penalty decision, and a double red card, for handbags.