[bully wee dave]

Inspired by Life's just beachys comment on the jokes thread:

"I read this and pissed myself laughing, when i recovered i tried to read it to the wife but kept laughing half way through it. still got tears in my eyes."

On new years day I was trying to tell my mum and dad about a school teacher who told us to open our books at page X and then said "If you get the book with the duck with a penis, congratulations" I couldn't tell the story - which isn't all that funny actually - without breaking into fits of laughter.

Any similair stories of incontrollable laughter from the PnB masses?

[the-crawf]

Last summer me and a few of my mates went back to this girls house we knew, she has a friend who was staying on a sofa-bed in the living room at the time. Being highly drunk and in the need of more bevvy we started doing shots of port. All of a sudden this strange gurgling noise starts, everyone looks round and see one mate trying not to be sick, instead of running to the sink he puts his hand over his mouth, leans his head back and trys to hold it in, needless to say he failed and when the pressure built up so much he couldnt hold it in anymore it exploded skywards in (im not joking) a 2ft fountain of purple projectile vomit for like 5 seconds. Everyone started pissing themselves apart from the girl who's sofa-bed it was, I couldnt stop laughing for like a week whenever I thought about it, if I had the chance to re-live one moment of my life before I died that would be it.

[AberdeenRover]

Scofield, on Feb 5 2008, 01:17, said:

In an away game at Ibrox last year, there were people outside the away turnstiles handing out business cards - of a strip club. Anyway, my mate gets the card and for some reason puts it in his wallet (don't know why - he had no intentions of going).

Coming back, the train wifie asks for tickets and, accidently, my mate hands her the business card instead of the train ticket. If we wern't laughing then we soon were when she looked at the card and recognised one of the strippers on the card - her daughter!

sorry but did u just tell a wee porkey there?

[the-crawf]

er...did she say "oh thats my wee daughter there with her tits out"

I think if it was her daughter she would of been embarrased and not said anything, not get into a conversation with you about her daughters career path?

[AberdeenRover]

the-crawf, on Feb 5 2008, 04:06, said:

er...did she say "oh thats my wee daughter there with her tits out"

I think if it was her daughter she would of been embarrased and not said anything, not get into a conversation with you about her daughters career path?

i know lol doesnt quite sound right

[Muggy]

Scofield, on Feb 5 2008, 01:17, said:

In an away game at Ibrox last year, there were people outside the away turnstiles handing out business cards - of a strip club. Anyway, my mate gets the card and for some reason puts it in his wallet (don't know why - he had no intentions of going).

Coming back, the train wifie asks for tickets and, accidently, my mate hands her the business card instead of the train ticket. If we wern't laughing then we soon were when she looked at the card and recognised one of the strippers on the card - her daughter!

Don't worry, I believe you (wasn't being sarcastic by the way)

[Andy C]

In standard grade English we had to pick a subject to do a 3 minute talk in front of the class.
I forgot all about it until the morning of the talk so quickly scanned over a book about primates and planned to wing the questions and stuff.
My opening line was "Today I plan to talk about monkeys........" and the whole class burst out laughing. The teacher calmed us down and asked me to start again but I couldnt get half that sentence out for bursting out laughing at my classmates trying to conceal their laughter.

Eventually got put out the class when the teacher lost patience.

[Mrs M]

A friend of mine was once telling me about a time that he was on acid. To start with, any story that includes "So, I'm looking through the window, touching myself up with my basque on" is fucking hilarious in itself. This came about because he was stood outside a pub looking at his reflection. He was sure that he was wearing a basque, and found it really rather attractive. The couple that were sat in the pub looking out of the window at him didn't find it quite such a turn-on. You also need to remember that this is a guy from Sheffield, with a very thick, grass-roots Yorkshire accent.

After watching himself rubbing his "breasts" for a while, he realises he's lost his friend. He decides to go for a run to find him. As he's running, he notices the streetlights are pulsing. This is because he is now the fastest runner in all the world. "I always knew there was something special about me", he says. He manages to run into his friend and shows off his new running skills. "Look at me go!", he shouts excitedly. At this point, he realises his friend is completely naked, the reason being that he feels "so free!" and likes it. My pal, Dan, tells him to get his clothes back on and walks him home, telling him he needs to go to bed and sleep it off. As he and his friend get to the door, Dan knocks and waits for him to go inside. As the door closes, his pal shouts "Mum, Dad! We're having a talk, NOW!". The last thing Dan heard as he walked away was the crashing of furniture.

I think it was one of those stories that was partly the way he told it and you had to be there when he did. I've not laughed like that ever.