[RiG]

"Boy Wonder" came out with another beaut of a comment yesterday.

"Gail Porter pure deserved everything she got ken"

[Monster]

RiG, on Oct 19 2007, 15:51, said:

"Boy Wonder" came out with another beaut of a comment yesterday.

"Gail Porter pure deserved everything she got ken"

Isn't she a collector of Nazi memorabilia or something?

Anyway, whatever. Buuuuuuurn the witch.

[stimpy]

I worked with numerous numpties over the piece, a factory i worked in had a few, the supervisors used to go mental if you didn't have a hair net on, then at the end of one shift one of them was marching up and down the factory floor with no hair net on i asked her about the inconsistency when she mumbled something i just said "you don't have a fuckin clue do you?". I have since learned to keep my mouth shut!

Another factory i worked had a place in Glasgow and the Workers used to come up to our place when they were quiet, one guy was class.
Example;
Whats up with you Derek? looking a bit down;
Derek- it's mah missis she's no geein me mah hole;
she's only had the bairn less than a week ago ye daft b*****d!!!!!
Then had to explain about healing time and such things.

My favorite was when he asked me what my Glasgow team was, i replied with "what's your Angus team" He said "da hae een" then stood waiting for me to tell him what my Glasgow team was.

[RiG]

Boy Wonder has come out with the following gem when talking to us in the office:

"Aye ken I was out fir a drink like, and I seen this boy who looked purte shifty ken? Total dodgy an that an I reckon he was dealing drugs an that."

"How do you know this?"

"Aye well, ken he was looking dodgy? He wis also pure black so he must've been a dealer ken?"

He has the day off today. He left a note on everyones desk saying "If my girlfriend calls tell her I am outside having a fag and am getting her a surprise later on that day"

Truth is that he is actually meeting some girl from Edinburgh he meet on a rave forum and shagging her

This post has been edited by RiG: 31 October 2007 - 13:31

[Monster]

RiG, on Oct 31 2007, 13:31, said:

"Aye ken I was out fir a drink like, and I seen this boy who looked purte shifty ken? Total dodgy an that an I reckon he was dealing drugs an that."

"How do you know this?"

"Aye well, ken he was looking dodgy? He wis also pure black so he must've been a dealer ken?"

Flawless logic.

[RiG]

Monster, on Oct 31 2007, 13:33, said:

Flawless logic.

He is a genius. We might have believed his little note/story thing had he not actually admitted to one of the girls why he really was having the day off.

"Aye I'm gooing to be doing some bird from Edinburgh the morra"

"Really?"

"Erm, no. I'm kidding honest"

Cunt.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

I used to work as a kitchen porter (or KP for short) in a piano bar in Belfast.

It was very busy at the weekend, so we had 3 KPs on a Fri and Sat night. KP is also a common Irish abbreviation for Kevin Patrick. One chap, who wasn't the brightest spark, was convinced that all 3 kitchen porters were called Kevin-Patrick, and he couldn't get over the coincidence.

I even ran into him a couple of years later, and he still called me KP. I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth.

[Monster]

RiG, on Oct 31 2007, 13:36, said:

He is a genius. We might have believed his little note/story thing had he not actually admitted to one of the girls why he really was having the day off.

"Aye I'm gooing to be doing some bird from Edinburgh the morra"

"Really?"

"Erm, no. I'm kidding honest"

Cunt.

He sounds extraordinarily similar to the one I worked with.

There must be some sort of gene sewer deep in the bowels of the earth that contains the DNA samples that were too stupid and ignorant even to be included in Rangers fans of the future.

[RiG]

They both sound very neddish so I would imagine that is the common denominator between the two cretins.

[Monster]

RiG, on Oct 31 2007, 14:09, said:

They both sound very neddish so I would imagine that is the common denominator between the two cretins.

Mine was a ned and a Rangers supporter but:

"No fur the fitba', ahm jist a proud Proddy!"

He wore 1970's Rangers top to work one day that smelled like he last washed it in the 70's. He took it off (as was his wont when any woman entered the workplace) so when he wasn't looking I spat on it. Not the most mature thing, but you'll take the small victories where you can with these 'wastes of carbon atoms' (as Swampy delightfully puts it )

It used to amaze me how these cretins could have a seemingly endless supply of women. Billy had a new specimen almost weekly, freshly bruised with the smell of cheap perfume and despair clinging to her like an unwashed 70's Rangers top.

As the great Mr. Hicks puts it when talking about rednecks on COPS:

"That cracker is balls deep in that whore every damn night and I haven't got laid this year! It just isn't fair!"

[BerwickMad]

Ive got to work with some doylem that never stops working, even when theres nowt to do. Its my job to go in and open up at half 7, but he has started to come in at that time too. I usually just open up and spend 20 mins reading the paper until everyone else starts, but this p***k comes in now and starts doing jobs. He will start phoning round companies for prices on things, and at half 7 they are never open. He gets all worried and annoyed by this. He can't stand or sit still. He doesnt even stop for his dinner, just keeps working and asks me questions while im sitting there eating.

Im sure he knocks things over just so he can pick them up again. Any slight problem with a grinder or a drill and he will take it all apart and put it back together again.

He also gets into arguements with the engineers in the shop about a missing nut or bolt that hasnt been accounted for. He will spend about 2 hours looking for which job 5 nuts have been booked out on. Waste of time and wages.

He is also called Billy.

This post has been edited by BerwickMad: 31 October 2007 - 14:28

[Pettigrew]

2 words - Wee Bully.

What on earth could be worse? Had to put up with that gimp for almost 15 years through Uni and then 2 different jobs.

Not sure there's more that requires to be added.

[Wee Bully]

"Pettigrew" from on here.

Met him in the first week of Uni in 1992, and he has dogged my footsteps ever since, through 5 years at Uni, and 2 different employers.

And he is a bald wascock.

[Milevskiy]

Pal: "What's the capital of France?"
Some bint: "Ehhh...Germany?"

[RiG]

Quote

"Ken this bypass they're wanting to build aye? I just think they should build like a big flyover right over Aberdeen. That'll dae just the same job. Makes more sense tae me ken?"

Quote

"Did you ken 60% of all fishermen go out to sea drunk?"

This post has been edited by RiG: 08 November 2007 - 12:42

[ICTChris]

C&p from other thread

One of the guys in my work is a pain int he arse. he crow-bars his way into conversations and says things that, while not being entirely inappropriate, make everyone feel awkward. He seems on a mission to shock everyone. Today we were talking about music and I mentioned I liked Amy Winehouse, speaking favourably of her vocal performance on the Mark Ronson track Valerie. He dives in "She's junkie scum, waste of oxygen. I hope she dies. I've had two friends die of heroin..." Now, for sitting in an office, that's just unsettling. He also has come out with stuff like "That's what I get for being raised by two raging alcoholics" and once spoke favourably of the band Skrewdriver, a nasty little racist shower of c**ts.

I am not interested but I do worry as often others in the team have complained about him when he's been away. I don't like getting involved in this and worry that they may also speak about me when I'm not there, as I suppose I could be a bit annoying. It makes me a little tense at work and makes me wnat to be less open and forthcoming with my workmates.

[LargsTON]

philpy, on Oct 17 2007, 20:08, said:

I worked with a guy called igor (not the one from here) about 10 years ago, this guy was pevert city. On more than one occasion, he "accidentally" walked into the ladies locker room just before the start of the shift, and someone forced open his locker one day, and found a small video camera, a pair of woman's knickers, a bra, a stash of jazz mags and a box of toilet tissues. He was also very fond of scat movies and animal porn.

Neilly, on Oct 18 2007, 10:36, said:

That was clearly you.

My thoughts exactly. Either that or he made it up.

[dave258]

Not in the same league as some of these crackers, but I was at my work earlier tonight and helping out down on the food court. I was filling up the milk fridges as it was totally empty, so the manager sent someone else over so it would get done quicker.

IdiotNed: "Orite, eh, ah've tae help you wi' ra mulk."
Me: "Okay, fair enough. Go and grab a pallet and batter in."

*IdiotNed stands there looking shifty*

Me: "What's up?"
IdiotNed: "Well, ye huvnae telt me where tae get ra mulk fae, huv ye?"

*I stare in disbelief at IdiotNed, who has now worked in this department for a month*

Me: "Well, I'd have a good look in the big walk-in fridge that we keep all of the other refridgerated goods in, and if it's not there check out the back by the skip."
IdiotNed: "Why ra f**k wid it be oot by ra skip?! It'd get pure warm 'n' that, eh no?"

*IdiotNed walks away believing himself to be a complete genius*


Won't surprise most people when I say I work in Pollok.

[cappielow-doc]

I used to work with a pure bawbag of a guy,talked s***e all the time,he told us ha married his cousin,he was always sayin things like "lets go out to the car park and settle this".He told us he was at home one night and went for a piss,while happily pissing away his 3 year old boy came in"daddy whats that"looking at his nob,he turned 90 degrees and pissed on the boys face,he actually thought this was hilarious.His behaviour didnt go unnoticed and was sacked.Last heard of cleaning the car park in McDonalds.

One of the women i worked with had us in stitches one day.Sitting in the smoke room she was whining on about her teenage sons eating all the chocolate biscuits and how she and her hubby could never get one whilst having a cup of tea.
'Ave hid them in the press under the towels,they'll never find them there.she boasted

One of the other girls duly left the smoke room,phoned her house and told the boys where they were,the next day was brilliant as she told us "would you beleive it,the wee buggers found the biscuits"took her about a week before she found out...priceless.

[Skyline Drifter]

ICTChris, on Nov 8 2007, 12:48, said:

Today we were talking about music and I mentioned I liked Amy Winehouse, speaking favourably of her vocal performance on the Mark Ronson track Valerie. He dives in "She's junkie scum, waste of oxygen. I hope she dies. I've had two friends die of heroin..." Now, for sitting in an office, that's just unsettling.

......though possibly not as unsettling as working in an office with someone who openly likes Amy Winehouse.

[HGG]

One place I worked used to use a local temping agency, DLB - known by us as Divs, Loons and Bennies because that was all we ever got from them!

If we caught wind that we were getting "Big Brenda" it would always raise a laugh in the office. She actually lived in London but if she fancied a few days away would phone in sick to her workplace there and come up to Rochdale for a few days, taking some temping work through DLB. She never, EVER did any work, but she certainly livened up the office while she was there.

I think my favourite trick of hers was with elastic bands - she was quite a big woman and would take an elastic band, stretch it round her tits and then ping it across the office to see how far it went Certainly kept us amused.

[BigRubberFist]

HGG, on Nov 12 2007, 18:22, said:

I think my favourite trick of hers was with elastic bands - she was quite a big woman and would take an elastic band, stretch it round her tits and then ping it across the office to see how far it went Certainly kept us amused.

[RiG]

The fanny that "works" across from me has now trumped even his own stupidity with this genius comment:

"See when you get a pancake ken? Which side are you meant to put butter on cos there's a right and a wrong side eh?"

Stupid cunt.