[Andy C]

"GLOVES".

Easily one of the funniest things I've read on P&B.

[Ayrgirl]

Because of this thread I have had to put up with Monster dancing in the aisles of Morrisons singing "doo-bee doo-bee doo you are a cuntooo" this morning. Thanks a fucking lot P&B Gold. Embarrassment doesn't begin to describe how I felt. At one point he was adding "doo-bee doo-bee doo let's get some cerealooo". We kept meeting the same woman as we shopped and he said "that lady finds it funny". You mean the one who thinks I'm shopping with the "SPECIAL?".

[Hank Scorpio]

This. Thread. Is. Genius.

[Pink Freud]

Ayrgirl, on Dec 22 2008, 11:31, said:

Because of this thread I have had to put up with Monster dancing in the aisles of Morrisons singing "doo-bee doo-bee doo you are a cuntooo" this morning. Thanks a fucking lot P&B Gold. Embarrassment doesn't begin to describe how I felt. At one point he was adding "doo-bee doo-bee doo let's get some cerealooo". We kept meeting the same woman as we shopped and he said "that lady finds it funny". You mean the one who thinks I'm shopping with the "SPECIAL?".

You married him..........

[vikingTON]

Ayrgirl, on Dec 22 2008, 11:31, said:

Because of this thread I have had to put up with Monster dancing in the aisles of Morrisons singing "doo-bee doo-bee doo you are a cuntooo" this morning. Thanks a fucking lot P&B Gold. Embarrassment doesn't begin to describe how I felt. At one point he was adding "doo-bee doo-bee doo let's get some cerealooo". We kept meeting the same woman as we shopped and he said "that lady finds it funny". You mean the one who thinks I'm shopping with the "SPECIAL?".

[turboshandy]

While this is nowhere near as funny as some of the stuff on here, I just had to share this little gem of a conversation I overheard at work yesterday.

Colleague 1: Ah cannae wait tae get hame the night, I've goat that 'Defiance' on DVD, I'm dying tae see it.

Colleague 2: Defiance on DVD? (sarcastically) Pirate?

Colleague 1: Pirates? Eh, naw, it's a World War II film a 'hink.

Colleague 2 was left in the awkward situation of not noing whether to correct him or just let it lie, while I sniggered away into my coffee...

[peteqos]

turboshandy, on Jan 27 2009, 10:08, said:

While this is nowhere near as funny as some of the stuff on here, I just had to share this little gem of a conversation I overheard at work yesterday.

Colleague 1: Ah cannae wait tae get hame the night, I've goat that 'Defiance' on DVD, I'm dying tae see it.

Colleague 2: Defiance on DVD? (sarcastically) Pirate?

Colleague 1: Pirates? Eh, naw, it's a World War II film a 'hink.

Colleague 2 was left in the awkward situation of not noing whether to correct him or just let it lie, while I sniggered away into my coffee...

An idiot workmate of mine is just back from a 2 week holiday in Thailand! I asked him on monday how it went, and he replied........fucking shit!

He went last year and never stopped going on about how many birds he pumped! Anyway, turns out that he went to a tattoo artist over there to get a small dragon on his outer bicep, the silly c**t ends up falling asleep and wakes up 5 hours later when the tattoo artist has finished doing a huge outline from just below his shoulder all the way down to his wrist! He wakes up and asks him to stop, and asks him how much it'll cost.................. turns out it cost £1000!

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, he only had about £60 on him in cash. so he asked to go to the cash machine to get the rest....the tattoo artist sent 3 huge bouncers with him to make sure he didn't do a runner! The fucking mong could only manage to get £250 out per day, so he had these 3 huge bouncers following him EVERYWHERE for 4 whole days! He says he was totally shitting himself, what a fucking fanny!

[DarkBlue62]

Just read this whole topic for the past 45 minutes. Pure genius!!!!

[Monster]

I got a text yesterday updating me on Billy.

Apparently he's now in one of those motorised scooter things, buzzing about east Kilbride still complaining about the fucking pigs.

[fraser_smfc]

Monster, on Apr 10 2009, 11:56, said:

I got a text yesterday updating me on Billy.

Apparently he's now in one of those motorised scooter things, buzzing about east Kilbride still complaining about the fucking pigs.

I thought he was 'fit as f**k' according to...well, Billy?

[Monster]

fraser_smfc, on Apr 20 2009, 02:20, said:

I thought he was 'fit as f**k' according to...well, Billy?

That was around 1995-96 though, and he was over 40 then.

[FilthyMack]

A woman we've worked with for coming on a year now just cannot grasp anything, she does crack me up but not always in a good way.

The other day she came through with a note saying, "There's somebody just in wanting this..."
"Oh right, who is it?"
"It's a customer."
Well I fucking gathered that.

Her piece de resistance is easily the time she took a message from the company RJ McLeod, and passed it on as Archie McLeod. Just wee things like that, but every single day.

She's a really nice wifey, but absolutely useless.

[RayBees]

The biggest moron I work with, apart from being a fat ignorant bloater with shit for brains, is obsessed with ghosts and wont stop going on about watching Most Wanted on TV whilst eating cakes and farting. She is even going to see white witch Derek Acorah tonight - i hope he predicts a slow death for her.

[gingapar]

Used to work with a guy who, although sound as they come, was his own worst enemy. He used to rely on a cocktail of drugs to get him through day, wis hilarious to watch him speeding out his tits after his break racing round in fast forward.

He is cleary victim to an extremeley additive nature which leads means he routinely couldn't remember much from the weekend and he would regularly turn up at work on the tuesday or wednesday with a story of somone having died in his family (i think he killed everyone off at least 3 times each) We'd get the truth from him later and it'd merely be the case that he'd go out on the firday night and wake up on the monday or tuesday with no clue as to where he actually was having tried everything that was put in front of him along the way.

one story he regaled us with was that he'd pulled some burd and was riding away on her when all of a sudden this massive dog came bounding into the room, mounted him and tried to slip him the pink mushroom.

aghast, we said 'shit what did you do?'

to which he answered 'aw, ah just kept pumpin away man'

[Gall09]

ICTChris, on Oct 18 2007, 18:52, said:

ME: "So coming to the pub tonight James?"
James: "I think so, should be good..."
Neil (interjecting): "Doo be doo, you guys going to the pub?"
Us (awkwardly): "Er, yes..."
Neil (face lighting up like a dementd Chirstmas tree: "Koneeeeeeecheewaaaaaaa!"

A strange chap. He left to work for Scotrail.

I swear, i must've read this at least once a week since it was put in here, and it still cracks me up.

It's amazing.

[ayrmad]

I remember working with a teenager who was number 2 of 2 in stores,every time he'd talk to a young bird from an other company he'd bullshit her by stating that he was talking to her on his car phone while standing in stores wether people were talking to him in stores or not,he even went to the point of carrying an old phones receiver and cord in the car like a right retard.

Whenever things went wrong in stores he'd spend time battering hell out of boxes containing pcs or screens.

Despite earlier stating that he fancied trying out for a junior football team(Newmilns),when we did play a friendly at Digitals pitch he proceeded to go mental at the ref for giving him offside(between 10 & 20 yards) because he actually didn't know what the offside rule was(and yes he did try and ridicule us non-Rangers supporters for our choice of club).

Also remember playing squash with my crutches in the corner of the court at the Broadway after suffering a tear to both my cruciate and calf muscle(stubborn cnut),and after absolutely hammering him he proceeded to assault everything in sight with his raquet while ranting about never playing squash again after getting beaten by a fcuking mongo cripple,needless to say I had an heir of utter superiority.

[pub car king]

the cleaner at our work who looks uncannily like peter sutcliffe i mean gammy eye and all. any way he came out with this belter if michael jackson died at 2.30 in the afternoon how come we didn't find out until after midnight

[ClydeNewcomer]

pub car king, on Jul 1 2009, 23:17, said:

the cleaner at our work who looks uncannily like peter sutcliffe i mean gammy eye and all. any way he came out with this belter if michael jackson died at 2.30 in the afternoon how come we didn't find out until after midnight

Thats a good question

[ClydeNewcomer]

Ayrgirl, on Dec 22 2008, 12:31, said:

Because of this thread I have had to put up with Monster dancing in the aisles of Morrisons singing "doo-bee doo-bee doo you are a cuntooo" this morning. Thanks a fucking lot P&B Gold. Embarrassment doesn't begin to describe how I felt. At one point he was adding "doo-bee doo-bee doo let's get some cerealooo". We kept meeting the same woman as we shopped and he said "that lady finds it funny". You mean the one who thinks I'm shopping with the "SPECIAL?".

Why are woman not funny

[Ayrgirl]

ClydeNewcomer, on Jul 2 2009, 14:14, said:

Why are woman not funny

It wasn't meant to be funny

Thanks for your input though.

[frazzyAKL]

I work with an idiot who contradicts almost every statement he makes i.e "I can't wait to get out of this shithole" 2 minutes later he says.. "Works good isn't it?"

He also stated that when he went home he was going to drink the biggest 2 litre bottle of irn-bru that he could find.

[The Old Northerner]

frazzyAKL, on Jul 3 2009, 19:54, said:

He also stated that when he went home he was going to drink the biggest 2 litre bottle of irn-bru that he could find.

There was an obvious bet to be offered there

[RayBees]

The bloated sack of shite in my office was trying to work out the time difference between Britain and France and came to the conclusion that "part of the year they're an hour ahead of us and the rest of the year they're 2 hours ahead." I hope she figures it out before going on holiday there later this year.

On second thoughts, I hope she doesn't.

[DAFC]

Some guy tells someone on an email that 'we' fucked up when it was him.
cc'd ten people also.

Was about to reply to thought it best to count to ten, but that's three times something similar has happened.