[Monster]

Inspired by RiG reminding me of my brush with retardia, are there any folk you've been stuck working beside that you ended up hating passionately? Share amusing stories with the p and b massive.


The one I had used to introduce himself to every single person who came into the workplace, including the managing director of the ENTIRE PARENT COMPANY, thus:

"Awrite? Ah'm Billy. Ah run. Ah'm fit as f**k."

He also gave a delivery woman a near nervous breakdown by jumping out at her and trying for a fly grope of her norks from behind a stack of pallets as she delivered boxes of epoxy resin. After that I had to go into the car park and carry it all inside as she wouldn't come in or let him go out.


Here's Rigs example:

Quote

Yeah this guy is a complete ned as well. He told one of the Fishery Officers he was on the phone with to f**k off which I am sure will have gone down well.

One day we could hear him swearing in the lift 2 floors beneath us because he had been givne a cheese bridie instead of a meat one from the bakers. This sent him on a rampage which included him wanting "every Polish c'nt to f**k off back there because they are fucking stupid c'nts" (he had been served by a Polish lad) and he also regularly has fights with his missus over the phone shouting at her telling her to piss off.

I have to try really hard not to a) laugh and/or B) cry behind my monitor.

It doesn't help as well when, in terms of workload, he is a lazy b*****d. he is one of the reasons I will be leaving.

[The Old Northerner]

Some time ago now this was, but a new guy started in the R&D dept where I worked who had a rather inflated sense of his own self-importance. As an example: one day, the boss invites all 400 employees into the canteen for a 'State of the Union' speech. 10 minutes afterwards, the new guy was heard on the phone telling his missus that *he'd* just been in a meeting with the MD where *they* were discussing the company's finances. Gobshite.

[NEVERBELIEVER]

I once worked with the most stupid bigoted person ever , he was only around 25 , and just would not let it lie . One day he made astupid comment about one faiths " kids being incinerated at birth" and the nicest quietest guy you could ever meet turned round and knocked him on his arse .. HE GOT THE COPS INVOLVED , and was busy shouting that he had 6 witnesses ( which he did ) but all 6 told the cops they seen nothing . Horrible c**t left soon after . Ive never taken as much pleasure seeing anyone get thiere come uppance .

[Francesc Fabregas]

Ah, the stories about Billy was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. I think ICTChris worked with a guy who kept setting up profiles of himself all over the internet. I still have the PM with the link.

[KiwiDB]

Francesc Fabregas, on Oct 17 2007, 13:01, said:

Ah, the stories about Billy was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. I think ICTChris worked with a guy who kept setting up profiles of himself all over the internet. I still have the PM with the link.

TSC must have had it's fair share of morons, Mr Fabregas.

[Raith Against The Machine]

Francesc Fabregas, on Oct 17 2007, 13:01, said:

Ah, the stories about Billy was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. I think ICTChris worked with a guy who kept setting up profiles of himself all over the internet. I still have the PM with the link.

Agreed, the Billy stories were fantastic first time round.

I assume they were lost in one of the big culls?

[Francesc Fabregas]

dennybairn, on Oct 17 2007, 13:03, said:

TSC must have had it's fair share of morons, Mr Fabregas.

Aw aye, but no one as obnoxious or hilarious as that Billy guy.

There were some fannies there, like Iqbal, the guy who would accuse people of being racist towards him when they hadn't (he left after three weeks to join the Pakistani army). He was a proper p***k. There were a fair few "women of the world" there too - this burd used to regale us with tales of Breeze Blocking, Wolf Bagging and Strawberry Cheesecaking.

I kept myself to myself there and hung around with Fudge for most of the time.

[Monster]

Francesc Fabregas, on Oct 17 2007, 13:01, said:

Ah, the stories about Billy was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. I think ICTChris worked with a guy who kept setting up profiles of himself all over the internet. I still have the PM with the link.

Aye, Billy was a one off.

Like the time he was arrested in combat gear one night in the secretarys garden because he thought he'd surprise her and ask her out.

Like the time his supervisor conned him into buying an ex-company car with double the average mileage for about £500 more than it was worth and he crashed it and wrote it off three weeks later while uninsured.

Once he told me he was doing special training to enter the T.A. squadron of the S.A.S. When I pointed out that such a thing doesn't actually exist, he took the huff and decided to show me how he would put me down. Cue 30 seconds of perspiring as he tried to lift me up before I eventually threw him on the floor and landed on him, elbow first. He squeaked:

"Didnae hurt anyway...."

before limping off to the toilet.

Or the time when he turned up to the company Christmas night out in a Donnay tracksuit completely stinking of three week old b.o. claiming he'd forgotten when the meal was . Then he proceeded to try and chat up the general managers wife, beginning with the line:

"D'you like guys that work out hen?"

Or even the time when he told us he'd got a new girlfriend who was a stunner and it was getting serious. Apparently it was a prostitute who he thought had fallen for him. When he went to work and left her in his flat she nicked £50, all his drink and 200 fags.

Then the classic. He told us he was going to get a community reward for tackling and beating up a drug dealer who had a baseball bat. Turns out there was a bloke with a baseball bat, but he was battering Billys door down because Billy had been stalking his under age daughter. Billy opened the door, the raging parent rushed in and Billy pished his breeks(literally) and wept for mercy. Unfortuneately it worked.

His favourite phrase when describing women was:

"They're aw pigs. PIGS IN KNICKERS!!"

with the last sentence screamed at the top of his voice.

I remember the thread about the guy ICT Chris worked with. That was one of those 'laugh until you are sore' ones.

[Shengus Khan]

I used to work with a guy who used to say things like:

"You don't get where i am without hard work and a bit of dedication" or

"You see that baby (pointing at his company car), I got off my arse and earnt it, you could too".

Fairly regular stuff you might think but when you consider that he works 10 hours a day for a little over twenty grand, is in his thirties and still lives with his parents and his company car was an Astra then you you realise what a deluded p***k he was. A poor man's David Brent if you like.

Also worked with an Arbroath fan who must have brushed his teeth with shite. He was honking and he also used to provide us with an hour long summary on mondays of Arbroath's game at the weekend. "Proper football it is, none of your poncey, gay SPL pish for me".

[fraser_smfc]

Monster, on Oct 17 2007, 13:16, said:

I remember the thread about the guy ICT Chris worked with. That was one of those 'laugh until you are sore' ones.

Could anyone give a link to this thread as I could do with more of these hillarious stories?

[RiG]

The moron opposite also said that dogs and wolves are "like completely different ken?"

I rejoiced the day he came in and said he had fallen over when he was on his heeleys/wheeleys. When he told me I sat there thinking "rolled in front of a bus, rolled in front of a bus". Sadly he had just fallen over outside the front of the building flat on his face.

This post has been edited by RiG: 17 October 2007 - 13:24

[renton]

Monster, on Oct 17 2007, 13:16, said:

Aye, Billy was a one off.

Like the time he was arrested in combat gear one night in the secretarys garden because he thought he'd surprise her and ask her out.

Like the time his supervisor conned him into buying an ex-company car with double the average mileage for about £500 more than it was worth and he crashed it and wrote it off three weeks later while uninsured.

Once he told me he was doing special training to enter the T.A. squadron of the S.A.S. When I pointed out that such a thing doesn't actually exist, he took the huff and decided to show me how he would put me down. Cue 30 seconds of perspiring as he tried to lift me up before I eventually threw him on the floor and landed on him, elbow first. He squeaked:

"Didnae hurt anyway...."

before limping off to the toilet.

Or the time when he turned up to the company Christmas night out in a Donnay tracksuit completely stinking of three week old b.o. claiming he'd forgotten when the meal was . Then he proceeded to try and chat up the general managers wife, beginning with the line:

"D'you like guys that work out hen?"

Or even the time when he told us he'd got a new girlfriend who was a stunner and it was getting serious. Apparently it was a prostitute who he thought had fallen for him. When he went to work and left her in his flat she nicked £50, all his drink and 200 fags.

Then the classic. He told us he was going to get a community reward for tackling and beating up a drug dealer who had a baseball bat. Turns out there was a bloke with a baseball bat, but he was battering Billys door down because Billy had been stalking his under age daughter. Billy opened the door, the raging parent rushed in and Billy pished his breeks(literally) and wept for mercy. Unfortuneately it worked.

His favourite phrase when describing women was:

"They're aw pigs. PIGS IN KNICKERS!!"

with the last sentence screamed at the top of his voice.

I remember the thread about the guy ICT Chris worked with. That was one of those 'laugh until you are sore' ones.

what happened to this guy eventually?

[Swampy]

Quote

I remember the thread about the guy ICT Chris worked with. That was one of those 'laugh until you are sore' ones. laugh.gif

Yes, Chris, if you're at all bored today, please re-post it. I only remember tiny fragments of it ("doin' the mornin' report, be bop a do do") and those who haven't yet heard it deserve the full effect.

[Monster]

renton, on Oct 17 2007, 14:34, said:

what happened to this guy eventually?

Well, this was about 10 years ago. I left the company because they changed my daily target to a combined target with his. This meant we were collectively down on the target, although I was turning out about 18 a day and he was managing 2, the target being 30.

When we BOTH got a verbal warning for failing to reach the target I told them where they could stick it.

Last I heard of him was about 5 years ago, working in another factory in East Kilbride and still as insane and unpleasant as ever.

[philpy]

I worked with a guy called igor (not the one from here) about 10 years ago, this guy was pevert city. On more than one occasion, he "accidentally" walked into the ladies locker room just before the start of the shift, and someone forced open his locker one day, and found a small video camera, a pair of woman's knickers, a bra, a stash of jazz mags and a box of toilet tissues. He was also very fond of scat movies and animal porn.

[Adam_Wee]

I work with possibly the most annoying girl on earth at the moment. She is about 17 and she is as loud as hell. She has about 5 teeth - I'm not actually joking, she has braces too that I reckon, try to cover the gaps in her mouth (Allstars might know her) wears far too much makeup and calls everyone "old bean"

Really takes her job seriously and is just generally annoying. We had her crying yesterday. It was her birthday yesterday and someone bought her a big bag of Haribo or some shit like that. She refused to share any with anyone, so when she went for her break, one of the lads passed them round everyone, and when we all had taken our fair share, there was still quite a few left.

Anyways, we took one gummie bear out of the bag, left it on her computer with a speech bubble coming from him saying "Look in the bin below you" where we had deposited the rest of her sweets. Her face was priceless.

I honestly have never met a more annoying person in my life. She also actually looks like a pig. I'll need to get a photo of her and fire it up here for you all to see.

I daren't imagine getting a gobble from her, she would rip your foreskin right off with either her dodgy teeth, or needing a quick snack.

[proud2beabuddy]

BDV, on Oct 17 2007, 21:27, said:

I work with possibly the most annoying girl on earth at the moment. She is about 17 and she is as loud as hell. She has about 5 teeth - I'm not actually joking, she has braces too that I reckon, try to cover the gaps in her mouth (Allstars might know her) wears far too much makeup and calls everyone "old bean"

Really takes her job seriously and is just generally annoying. We had her crying yesterday. It was her birthday yesterday and someone bought her a big bag of Haribo or some shit like that. She refused to share any with anyone, so when she went for her break, one of the lads passed them round everyone, and when we all had taken our fair share, there was still quite a few left.

Anyways, we took one gummie bear out of the bag, left it on her computer with a speech bubble coming from him saying "Look in the bin below you" where we had deposited the rest of her sweets. Her face was priceless.

I honestly have never met a more annoying person in my life. She also actually looks like a pig. I'll need to get a photo of her and fire it up here for you all to see.

I daren't imagine getting a gobble from her, she would rip your foreskin right off with either her dodgy teeth, or needing a quick snack.

[RiG]

BDV, on Oct 17 2007, 21:27, said:

I daren't imagine getting a gobble from her, she would rip your foreskin right off with either her dodgy teeth, or needing a quick snack.

Coincidentally, I am watching The 40 Year Old Virgin just now and I just watched the flashback scene where the girl with braces goes down on him

[Latino Lover]

Ron Burgundy, on Oct 17 2007, 21:51, said:

The old cow had intentially come down stairs and dropped an unflushable a-bomb. I opted to leave it and tell her about it when she came back down stairs but a couple of the girls had a go at it with bleach and other assorted astringent chemicals they could find combined with about 5 flushes. They eventually had to break it's back with a coathanger to get it flushed.

horrible disgusting cow.

[kiwififer]

My old manager basically used to bully me, I had the union involved on several ocassions and he nearly had me in the nut house as I was close to a brake down at one point. The guy is a complete arsehole.

So, for a month before I left, I used to rub my penis against the rim of his cup every time I was asked/ordered to make him a coffee.

Helped me through a very difficult time

[proud2beabuddy]

Ron Burgundy, on Oct 17 2007, 21:51, said:

The old cow had intentially come down stairs and dropped an unflushable a-bomb. I opted to leave it and tell her about it when she came back down stairs but a couple of the girls had a go at it with bleach and other assorted astringent chemicals they could find combined with about 5 flushes. They eventually had to break it's back with a coathanger to get it flushed.

horrible disgusting cow.

This is a quality thread, just keeps getting better !

[Andy C]

The only arsehole I can think of at work is one of the managers who takes his job way too seriously.

Me and a few of my team were taken on to this old double decker bus for a wee workshop on Sky Movies even though we dont deal with them. This dick of a manager was taking it really serious and, trying to impress the big bosses who were there, he asked us to come up with a slogan for Sky Movies. One of my colleagues shouted out instantly "Sky Movies, 8 out of 10 cats prefer it". We all pished ourselves laughing despite his protestations and he left us alone until the workshop was finished.

This post has been edited by AndyC27/11: 17 October 2007 - 22:22

[SimonLichtie]

Shengus Khan, on Oct 17 2007, 13:17, said:

Also worked with an Arbroath fan who must have brushed his teeth with shite. He was honking and he also used to provide us with an hour long summary on mondays of Arbroath's game at the weekend. "Proper football it is, none of your poncey, gay SPL pish for me".

Name?!

I can think of a few people it could be!