[Cardinal Richelieu]

I've seen people do it before. How difficult can it be to open a bottle with your teeth?

So at a party a good while ago, some young lovely asked me to open a bottle for her. Despite being able to do it with a lighter, I thought I'd do it with my teeth to show off how brilliant I am.

No prizes for guessing what happens. First "chomp" of the bottle didn't pay off and made me look foolish. For the second go, I was determined not to fail again, so I went gung-ho. The good news was that I opened the bottle. The bad news was that I broke a tooth and had blood pissing down my face. Alcohol numbed the pain, but nothing would numb the shame. I left the party feeling sheepish. One £300 dentist bill later I resolved never to try and impress a burd again.


And I've stuck to it. Not impressed a burd for a good decade now.

[The Phoenix]

Boghead ranter, on 28 August 2011 - 14:42, said:

Went to see Titanic on 3 separate occasions with 3 different burds.

The emotion-induced sympathy shag I hoped for never appeared on any of the 3 occasions

Bet she didn't even touch the tip of the iceberg either.

[Sergeant Wilson]

Scary Bear, on 28 August 2011 - 12:04, said:

Was she impressed with your surgical skills?

Don't be daft! I got Lichtie23 to do it.

[McKee]

Marshmallo, on 28 August 2011 - 06:35, said:

If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

It's one of lifes iconic experiences.


It might not have been piss, it could of been sick. Not that would be much better mind. No one has ever spoke to me about it, and I really don't want to ask.

[SodjesSixteenIncher]

Sometimes whilst regailing all the embarrassing and undignified things you've done whilst drunk, you just think 'why do I bother doing this?'

But then you remember that without the chemically enduced confidence you get from it and the lack of judgement she gets from it you'd be a VL.

[Breaking Decency]

gy diamond, on 28 August 2011 - 12:24, said:

When in Magaluf last year there was some Russian girl that came up and asked me and my mate if we wanted to play Table Tennis, she was a very nice looking girl and her mate looked even better so we decided to give it a go even though it was only half 9 in the morning and we never got in until 6 so we were both still a bit drunk. Anyway we started playing and they were hammering us and I decided I wasn't having us lose to some girls so started taking it seriously, then after attempting to smash the ball I stepped back not realizing there was a pot hole and I fell into it looking like a tit, What made it worse was the fact that my ankle ballooned up to twice the size it should be and it turned out I had torn my ankle ligaments.


I then spent the rest of the holiday telling every girl I met that I had done it tackling some mugger that sole a girls handbag.

Just as well, most Russian girls cause your balls to balloon up and a trip to to get your urethra scraped is required.

[Tryfield]

Saying "I do" was my downfall.

[Breaking Decency]

Tryfield, on 29 August 2011 - 01:21, said:

Saying "I do" was my downfall.

Sorry to intrude, but was the reason you moved to Yorkshire because of your relationship?

[Tryfield]

Breaking Decency, on 29 August 2011 - 01:32, said:

Sorry to intrude, but was the reason you moved to Yorkshire because of your relationship?

Nope. I moved to Yorkshire to work. Ignore the above post I made, it was just me trying to be wide, I love my wife really. Or I should say I really love my wife.

[Breaking Decency]

Tryfield, on 29 August 2011 - 01:36, said:

Nope. I moved to Yorkshire to work. Ignore the above post I made, it was just me trying to be wide, I love my wife really. Or I should say I really love my wife.

You're a train driver right? May I ask what company you work for? I used to get First Great Western, Virgin and EMT quite a lot and they were all terrible!

[Tryfield]

Breaking Decency, on 29 August 2011 - 01:39, said:

You're a train driver right? May I ask what company you work for? I used to get First Great Western, Virgin and EMT quite a lot and they were all terrible!

I'm employed by the German government. I'll let you work it out.

[Breaking Decency]

Tryfield, on 29 August 2011 - 01:41, said:

I'm employed by the German government. I'll let you work it out.

Arriva?

[Tryfield]

Breaking Decency, on 29 August 2011 - 01:42, said:

Arriva?

Nah, that's buses.

[Breaking Decency]

Tryfield, on 29 August 2011 - 01:43, said:

Nah, that's buses.

Sorry, been a long time since I've been back in the UK. I know Deutsche Bahn run freight, are they doing passenger transport now too?

[ayrmad]

Breaking Decency, on 29 August 2011 - 01:53, said:

Sorry, been a long time since I've been back in the UK. I know Deutsche Bahn run freight, are they doing passenger transport now too?

He wouldn't be let near a passenger train.

[Breaking Decency]

ayrmad, on 29 August 2011 - 01:58, said:

He wouldn't be let near a passenger train.

It's unfortunate I know, but I don't know the ins and outs of the working practices of the train drivers who post on P&B...

And I assumed most drivers in the UK run passenger services.

This post has been edited by Breaking Decency: 29 August 2011 - 02:28

[MotownClic]

Breaking Decency, on 29 August 2011 - 02:28, said:

It's unfortunate I know, but I don't know the ins and outs of the working practices of the train drivers who post on P&B...

And I assumed most drivers in the UK run passenger services.

He works for DB Schenker and hates his union.

[Mozzamozza]

I once walked up Blackness Road, Dundee with a real chimney on my head. Nearly scored.

[Big Gus]

Mozzamozza, on 29 August 2011 - 11:19, said:

I once walked up Blackness Road, Dundee with a real chimney on my head. Nearly scored.

[gingapar]

Was at a house party in 4th year and having witnessed friends have success with the straight forward 'gizza kiss' approach in the past, a few beers in, i thought it was the very approach to go for. Doesn't work so well for wee ginger gadges though, especially when they're blatantly attempting the same approach with every girl in the house. The most success i got was a couple of kisses on the cheek from a lassie i was friends with, but they were sympathy kisses, nothing more.

The one girl there that did I have an eye for at the time (ie thought I may have stood a chance with) gave me the "I like you, but don't really have time for a boyfriend" brush off, followed a couple of weeks later by her suddenly discovering the time to get with one of my pals.

Another lassie (the cousin of another friend apparently) was less subtle and just punched me in the pus a couple of times.

A few chose to either laugh in my face or completely ignore me so i gave up and just got pissed. I must have got a second wind thereafter though, as i was torn apart when back at school for trying to pull the host of the party's mum, hitting on a lassie that's boyfriend was set to batter me (never happened thankfully) and being beaten up by a lassie (this one i remembered at least).

This is why i made up the jobby in a shoe box story.

This post has been edited by gingapar: 29 August 2011 - 11:57

[IrishBhoy]

McKee pished himself lol.

[itzdrk]

my burd at the time of this event was into peircings had her own kit for it n tht
i was aswell a wee bit too i was sayin how i fancied getting a new peircing but i wasnt sure where
she suggested that she could do it, i was like aye why no , didnt even suggest what i wanted or that (bearing in mind i was at that drunk stage where you are pretty much passed out but talking haha) woke up in the morning and my ear was stretched and i had a smiley
now i dunno if many of you are familure with what a smiley is

after seeing this you will understand my horror in the morning having no recolection of the conversation at the time either, all sorts of acusations the next morning about her being a psycho
turns out later on...she was so i got it in early hahaa

was on a night out couldnt be arsed gettin a taxi & goin home and found one of my mates was having folk round, so went along more drinking etc etc ,this girl gets facepaints out, she does someone as a tiger, other folk as other animals, i fancied joining in aswell so i didnt seem a squaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare, i suggested she could do anything,asuming an animal like the others........no i got this

now the impressing a girl part stops there, however, drinking continued etc etc, time to leave came and i had totally forgotten i had this on my face
i get to the train station and its like first thing on a monday morning
me walking about big green face with 666 , people giving me funny looks especially the person in the ticket office and i dont know why, till i sit down on the train and catch my reflection

[BigMartyn86]

Could name a few things I've done whilst drunk.

2009 just moved into my flat with my then girlfriend. I was out at the beer festival in Alloa and a few beers afterwards. On my way home I get a great idea to go over to the town hall flowerbeds and start picking a load of flowers for er indoors. Then at the roundabout just outside my flat I'm in the flowerbeds picking more flowers when the police stop in their car and start questioning me. I give them a complete bullshit story about how my flat is over there and I don't have a garden so this the next best thing to it. They start laughing and let me off. I walk into the flat and proceed to the bed room switch the light on and declare that I've been doing some gardening. The missus who is in bed as she was up early for work was furious.(ungrateful cow). I wake up in the morning with 30 odd flowers in various glasses around the flat. She never even seen the funny side of it.

Another time. I was onboard HMS Bangor and we sailed her from rosyth to faslane and when we got alongside we decided to start pissing up. We ended up in Helensburgh and when back on the base I'm walking towards the bangors gangway only to drop my bag from the chippy. I then puck it up and being drunk I think I'm at the bottom of the gangway. Only it was the penzances gangway and I walk onboard down to the messdeck seat my sausage supper then try getting into some other c***s bed. (same layout on each ship). Im then stopped before I'm in "my" bed and escorted back to my own ship. Was a good laugh in the morning. The previous night duty staff said it wad the best laugh they had in ages.

Anyway a couple of days afterwards we are locking the ship up to hand over to squadron so we can go on summer leave and four of us decide to get pished in Helensburgh. Was handy as two of them lived there and the other guy lived in Falkirk. Ended up getting pissed in Helensburgh then getting a train to Glasgow having a few there before going to Stirling and staying out all night. When I returned home the ex was furious as I gar switched my phone off and had found another phone on the Glasgow-Stirling train. My thinking was I would charge the phone I found up in the morning and post it to the person to whom it belonged to. Only the ex beat me to it. Found a load of lassie contacts and snapped the phone in two. Took weeks for her to believe me.

[StandFree03]

Why on earth would you choose to piss your pants to get away from a girl?

[Supras]

StandFree03, on 01 March 2012 - 18:13, said:

Why on earth would you choose to piss your pants to get away from a girl?

Get it right, it's avoiding one girl to get with another.

Girls are impressed when you pish your pants. Of that I am certain.